


Life.

by Kaein88



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Aden & Anya are Costia and Luna's children, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Background Relationships, Clexa is Endgame, Did I mention super slow burn?, Don't Know How To Tag This, F/F, Family Drama, Family Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Lexa & Luna Are Siblings, Luna is not a monster but does suffer mental health issues, Madi is Bellamy Blake and Clarke Griffin's Child, Mild Smut, Minor Relationships, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Patience is required to read this fic., Pining, Quirky Humour, Slow Burn, but not necessarily Clexa centric, mature themes, reconnecting, very slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:08:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 34,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29016369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaein88/pseuds/Kaein88
Summary: Life can create beautiful memories, it can create terrible memories and your experiences in it evolve the people you both once were.Where you end up though is up to you.Clarke and Lexa. Once upon a time you couldn't know one without knowing the other. Now they live separate lives not having spoken to each other in years after Lexa leaves abruptly shortly following graduation.The only reliable thing in life is that: Nothing stays the same.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 159
Kudos: 174





	1. The Ending of a Constant

**Author's Note:**

> Hey.
> 
> This is my first fic so I'm not very confident in my writing and am hoping to get better as I continue posting. So I plead for any constructive critism and feedback so that I can improve. If I need to add tags or have mistagged anything as the story progresses please let me know.
> 
> I'm writing this fic due to frustrations of a rinse and repeat of trends and/or a lack of realism in general, and also as a way of dealing with experiences in my own life which have greatly inspired the plot of this fic.

It was late afternoon and Lexa stood behind the kitchen island meticulously dicing some onion. Her eyebrows furrowed as she waited for Clarke to come home. The pit in her stomach wouldn’t go away as she dreaded the minutes counting down. Ginger. Ginger and garlic is next. She glances at the clock and back to the chopping board. The ginger and garlic need to be chopped finer than this. After checking to see if the fry pan is hot enough she tosses the ingredients into it.

She lets out a long sigh and takes in her surroundings. Her and Clarke’s apartment was homely. With pictures and sentimental knick knacks all over the place. A bear Lexa had won for Clarke at the fair. A painting of a clown fish with a deformed fin swimming between tentacles of numerous squids Clarke had painted to mock her love of Finding Nemo and squids. Her eyes roam over to her favourite picture. It was a photo of the both of them. Lexa with her head tilted down smiling shyly sitting down on a park bench holding Clarke’s guitar awkwardly while Clarke leaned in from behind Lexa, her arms around Lexa’s waist and smiling happily in the crook of her neck.

She sighs again. This is not the time to be nostalgic. She turns around and adds the capsicum, bok choy, carrots, baby corn and a splash of sesame oil and soy sauce to the pan giving it all a mix.

The slam of the door and a “Hi Lex!” announced Clarke’s arrival into the apartment as she sweeps across the living room and down the hall with her signature Yamaha guitar strapped to her back. Knowing that she was going to shower and change, giving Lexa a few more moments before she had to face her.

Getting out of the shower, Clarke is feeling good. She had a good day. She spent a few hours busking for the pure joy of playing music and received some feel-good compliments and a few tips. She even did a few sketches and got some praise for it. Clarke wasn’t stupid. She knew she couldn’t make a comfortable life on busking and sketching on the street. But she also knows she has to invest time and dedication into music and art for them to take off. But that’s ok, her and Lexa will make both their dreams come true. As long as Clarke has her passion and has Lexa all will work out. 

Drying herself off and throwing on a loose singlet and some denim shorts she makes her way to the kitchen. Smells like Lexa’s in the mood for some Chinese stir-fry. She sits herself down on a stool opposite the kitchen island Lexa is cooking at and quirks her lips. “Lexa! Lexa! Guessa whatta Lexa!”

Lexa turns around and arches an eyebrow at Clarke’s antics and in her most deadpan voice answers “Whattie has Clarkey so happy?” Wit and excited enthusiasm were not traits of hers. Clarke grins “Have I ever told you how amazing you are.” Lexa turns around placing a plate of food in front of her and without batting a lash quips “Stop flattering me and eat, you bottomless pit.”

Something’s wrong. Clarke can see it in every movement that Lexa makes. She watches as Lexa doesn’t eat with her and is refusing to make eye contact with her and as Lexa busies herself doing the dishes. She moves stiffly and mechanically.

Chewing her lip she asks gently “Lexa? Are you ok? Did something happen today?” Lexa turns around her expression unreadable as she gazes at her. Taking a deep breath the brunette says softly “I have a plane flight tomorrow at noon. I’m leaving.” 

“What? Why? What happened?” Confusion paints Clarkes entire demeanor. Lexa is not the spontaneous type. Clarke wants to get up and move closer to her. But there’s no point. This Lexa is guarded Lexa. Trying to breakdown a guarded Lexa is like trying to find a needle in a hay stack. There will be no success.

Lexa leans back against the sink, her hands gripping its edges as she looks out the window lost in her thoughts. Her expression stoic and after a moment just as quietly she replies “I won’t be coming back. I need to start packing.” and with that statement she pushes herself away from the sink and makes her way to their bedroom not willing to wait for or hear a response. Not willing to face Clarke any longer.

Placing her now packed suitcase next to the bedroom door she sits on the end of the bed. As if having a sixth sense Clarkes comes in and she glances at Lexa and then spots the suit case. She kneels down and unzips it, placing something small inside of it before standing up again. She takes one step into the room. Lexa looks up and their eyes lock. A second step, and Lexa’s breath hitches. A third and a fourth step before Clarke is in front of her pushing her legs apart and kneels in front of her on both knees and cradles her face in her hands forcing her to not be able to look away.

“Ok.” Acceptance and heartbreak. Amazing how so much can be said in so little words.

Lexa swallows. “I wish-” She’s cut off by Clarke. “Don’t. Please don’t call me when you leave. It will be like dangling a carrot I can’t have infront of me. I’m better for having known you. Thank you for the time we’ve shared.” Her blue eyes are watery with unshed tears and she takes a breath before she continues “I appreciate you. I put something in your suitcase. Don’t look at it until you’re wherever you’re going.”

With those words Clarke is up on her feet and moving quickly out the door. The sound of the front door opens and then the sound of the doors closes. Clarke closing the door symbolising the end of their current lives. Lexa sighs and gazes at the spinning fan on the ceiling. 

When Lexa closes the front door tomorrow, that sound will symbolise the beginning of her new life.


	2. 7 Years Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey.
> 
> This is my first fic so I'm not very confident in my writing and am hoping to get better as I continue posting. So I plead for any constructive critism and feedback so that I can improve. If I need to add tags or have mistagged anything as the story progresses please let me know.
> 
> I'm writing this fic due to frustrations of a rinse and repeat of trends and/or a lack of realism in general, and also as a way of dealing with experiences in my own life which have greatly inspired the plot of this fic. know.

Clarke hummed to herself as she blended in the colours on the wall. She had moved interstate a month ago with her daughter Madi so that she could maintain regular visitations with Madi’s father, Bellamy. While things could be tense with Bellamy due to their differing parenting styles, they were still close friends and counted on each other for support.

Taking a few steps back to analyse her painting she smiled. Madi would love this. As most little girls do, she has an obsession with Ana and Elsa from frozen. Bellamy had picked her up on Friday and was due to return her on Sunday afternoon to spend her 5th birthday with him. Clarke had spent the weekend setting up Madi’s room to a frozen theme. She vaguely wonders if she’s giving herself some self inflicted punishment by doing this but then shrugs it off. Trends don’t last too long do they? Who cares if she knows every note of Into The Unknown and Let it go? Or if she wants to cringe because Madi is tone deaf as she screeches the lyrics? After all, it makes her daughter happy. She glances at the time on her phone. They’re due back in an hour or so. Turning to pack up her paints and brushes she plops on the couch for a nap.

“It’s time to beat mummy with a stick!” Was the only warning she got before she felt a weight land on her and tiny hands tickling her sides. Clarke kept her eyes closed and let out a big laugh. Carefully sitting up while the playful child gave her a kiss. “I’ll hold her down, and you beat her. Remember where I told you mummy’s spot was?” Came an amused voice from behind the couch. Clarke turned her head to face Bellamy's boyish grin and gave him a soft smile. Just as she was about to open her mouth with a quip, hands went up to her armpits and tickled causing Clarke to squeal.

Picking removing Madi from her lap Clarke asked “How’d it go? Did you have fun with daddy?” Clarke wondered how the girl wasn’t jarring her neck with the amount of enthusiasm that Madi answered with nodding her head. “Did you thank Aunty Echo and daddy for having you?” Another nod. “Relax Princess, Madi was fine. Echo and I took her to the animal petting zoo yesterday and we had a BBQ at the beach today. She had a ball. Also, I know I just had her for the weekend but could I have Madi overnight on Saturday?”

Clarke’s jaw clenched in irritation. Bellamy never wanted to do any of the actual raising of Madi, only took her out and was the ‘fun parent’ he was a better best friend to Madi than a father. Where Clarke was considered the ‘mean one’ because she had the responsibility of raising Madi and working. Sometimes she would like to take her out for a day for recreational bonding too. “Please mummy! I promise I’ll be good!” Madi begged, holding her clasped hands in front of her. Clarke’s irritation increased. Why couldn’t Bellamy and her discuss this privately and not in front of little ears and not being asked in a way that she feels emotionally blackmailed into agreeing. 

Sighing, she forced herself to relax. She’s being unreasonable. Bellamy actually wants to be involved with Madi and adores her. He may not be the most actively responsible parenting figure but he dotes on her. Clarke looks up at him and nods. “See you on Saturday Bell.”

With Bellamy gone, Clarke turns to Madi “Chicken burgers for dinner?” Madi jumps on her, giving her a big hug. “You’re the best mummy!” Laughing, Clarke looked down at her. “Thanks baby, I love you, now run along and play in your room”. Madi bounces off. A few moments later an ear splitting squeal of excitement pierces Clarke’s ears “There’s a giant Elsa, Ana and Olaf in my room mummy!” 

Smiling Clarke grabs her phone, dialed a number and pressed the speaker button as she began dinner. “Hey bitch!” Octavia answers. “Hi O, I was wondering if you and Raven would like to hang out on Saturday, your brother has Madi for the night. Maybe we could hit the pub or something?” Clarke listens as Octavia relays the question to Raven who can be heard saying “It’s about time. That girl needs to chill and get laid.” Pfft. As if. “I’ll call you Saturday afternoon when Madi leaves.” Clarke hangs up before anymore can be said on her sex life, or lack of.


	3. Family Issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey.
> 
> This is my first fic so I'm not very confident in my writing and am hoping to get better as I continue posting. So I plead for any constructive critism and feedback so that I can improve. If I need to add tags or have mistagged anything as the story progresses please let me know.
> 
> I'm writing this fic due to frustrations of a rinse and repeat of trends and/or a lack of realism in general, and also as a way of dealing with experiences in my own life which have greatly inspired the plot of this fic.

Lexa ran her hand through her hair and glared at a woman who had thick black hair with tight curls dressed like she was on the prowl sauntering towards her and a drink in her hand . “Luna. What are you doing here?.” Letting out a careless laugh Luna smirked and tilted her head towards the dance floor. “Just having fun Lexie, you should try it some time.” Her eyes scanning the crowd, her smirk grows bigger and nods her head towards the dance floor. “That girl, The brunette with the red jacket.” 

Lexa eyes the girl unfortunate enough to warrant Luna’s attention and spots her easily enough. But what keeps Lexa’s attention is the body of the girls’ dance partner whose back is turned to her. She’s wearing a light blue casual shirt and black jeans. Her body looks curvy and soft, her hair cut short an inch or so above shoulder length. Even in the poor lighting Lexa can see the woman’s hair is blonde and dyed a darker colour at the tips. Clenching her jaw angry at herself for even looking, she turns her attention back to Luna.

Darkening her glare, “I would be enjoying life more if I wasn’t too busy chasing after your ass all the time. Perhaps instead of meeting strangers you could meet up with the kids. Let them know you actually give a fuck about them. They don’t even ask about you anymore.”

Luna’s smirk curled into a sneer as she leaned over the table. Lexa swallowed, steeling herself knowing that what would come out of Luna’s mouth would cut her to the bone. Luna grabbed the silver band hanging off of a thin chain necklace Lexa wore and looked at it for a moment before meeting Lexa’s eyes and let go of it. “You think you’re so better than me. I didn’t ask you to ditch Clarke without any reason. I didn’t demand you give up your life for me. You made those choices on your own. You’re so wrapped up in Clarke after years of not even speaking to her. You lead Cos on and she gives you everything. The kids don’t need me. You and Cos took that from me. Just like you took Cos from me. So screw you. I’m allowed to cope how I want and when I want. I just want to move on and forget it.”

Lexa stood up and slowly reached over grabbing Luna’s drink, looking at it contemplating, before meeting Luna’s eyes searching for anything she could be considered as redemption. Finding none, she downs the drink and shakily murmurs “That’s what makes you and I different, I understand the concept of responsibility and loyalty. But you’re wrong. I didn’t do those things for you. I didn’t break my heart or Clarkes heart for you.. It was never for you. Cos didn’t end her relationship with you just to be with me. We did those things because we couldn’t stand the sight of watching you do the same thing as mum did to us.”

Luna reared her fist back and the next thing Lexa knew she was on her back on the ground “I’m nothing like that bitch!” She pulled her leg back to kick Lexa but was held firmly by the arms and was led away by one of the bouncers while another helped her up. “I’m sorry for that. I’m ok, really” She shook off his concern. Handing her some ice wrapped in a cloth he grunted “At least put this on.” 

Lexa headed towards the exit filled with embarrassment over the scene, with her head down avoiding any eye contact with the rest of the people in the bar. Once she was outside she pulled out a cigarette, lit it up taking a couple of long, slow puffs before flicking it and grasping at the silver band hanging off her neck as she shook. Grasping at the only thing left of Clarke that she had. Taking a deep breath she pulled out her phone. 

**Lexa Woods (20:20) -** I’m at Grounders. Had a run in with Luna. She’s left but I could use some company if the missus and Murphy could babysit.

Pulling out another cigarette she leaned against the wall and waited for a reply as she thought of happier times. Aden taking his first wobbling steps, Anya beaming with pride after she tied her shoes successfully for the first time and the vision of Clarke’s closed lip, soft smile that was only reserved for her. She doesn’t regret any of her choices. Only that she wasn’t ready to make them when they had to be made.

**Costia Green (20: 47)** \- I’m here. Where are you?

Making her way back inside she finds Costia sitting at a table, her dark hair tied in a messy bun as she looks around for her. Lexa heads to the front of the bar to order them both a drink, carrying one in each hand Lexa takes a chair opposite of Costia and hands her a glass. Dark concerned eyes look into green eyes. “You don’t look so good. What did your boneheaded sister do this time?” Lexa shakes her head  “How are Aden and Anya?” Costia snorted “Murphy’s promised revenge for cockblocking him by feeding them chocolate mud cake for breakfast tomorrow. Aden mentioned that he has a new guitar tutor.” Pitching her voice “Miss C is _so_ cool, she has pink hair! and has a tattoo! She even knows how to play Aunty Lexa’s favourite song Nothing Else Matters and said she would teach me it!” The topic changed to the kids immediately lifts Lexa’s spirits and she let out a laugh “That’s the worst impression of him. Sounds like the poor boy is smitten.” Amusement danced in Costia’s eyes as she continued “It gets better. And because Miss C has pink hair, Anya’s on the Mrs C band wagon and wants to dye her hair pink too. I told her she had to ask you!” Lexa groaned running her hand through her hair causing Costia to cackle. 


	4. Passion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first fic so I'm not very confident in my writing and am hoping to get better as I continue posting. So I plead for any constructive critism and feedback so that I can improve. If I need to add tags or have mistagged anything as the story progresses please let me know.

Clarke sat on the couch shifting organising her tutoring sessions for tomorrow. Rearranging music sheets both tablature and notation into different folders personalised to each of her students levels based on their skill and technique. Even though she was only a part time tutor it was both rewarding and inspiring to witness and support the passion and skill her 25 odd students possess.

_ Passion.  _ Something she lost long ago for anything and anyone that wasn’t Madi. That’s the biggest reason she went from making music to teaching music. There’s a jolt of sorrow she feels as she thinks about Madi and her students growing older, maturing, experiencing life and losing their innocence and naivety in the process. She aches at the thought of any one of those children losing their passion.

Her mind wandered to Raven as she thought about the resilience of her friend. Having been cheated on by her ex boyfriend Finn, she’s committed herself to an open relationship with Octavia who’s unwilling to openly acknowledge her sexuality but always openly confesses her love and adoration for her. Raven continues to take a chance and agrees to an open relationship with her because she loves Octavia and life so devotedly she refuses to waste a single opportunity. It’s a complicated but messy relationship that seems to work even if Clarke doesn’t understand it. Then there’s the good and bad days with her leg caused by an alteration with her drug addict of a mother. While Raven hides behind humour and mischievousness, she is the epitome of resilience and strength and Clarke wishes she had half the perseverance Raven has.

A knock on the door startles out of her thoughts so much she jumps. The door knocks again, insistent knocking and the voice of her daughter calls out desperately “Mummy! Open up! Daddy said he was going to feed me octopus eyes if I didn’t be good and have a bath!” Unlocking the door and swinging it open she raises an eyebrow at Madi who’s lower lip is trembling and wide eyes look up at her. Clarke puts her hands on her hips and suspiciously eyes Bellamy “Octopus eyes huh? What would you put octopus eyes in?”  _ Olives _ he mouths. Returning her gaze to Madi she says in a serious voice “A Greek salad I think. Or maybe on our next pizza.” Madi’s eyes widen as she looks between Bellamy and Clarke “I thought daddy was lying!” and pushes past Clarke. With a small smile of amusement as she watches Madi run and turn to the hall leading to the bedrooms “One day Bell, that girl isn’t going to believe a word we tell her.” Bellamy laughs and hugs her. 

“Did you enjoy your girls night out last night?” He asks and Clarke pulls back questioningly “O has a big mouth.” “She does, doesn’t she? Yes. I had a great time, I only had a couple of drinks and danced a bit with Raven. I almost felt sexy again.” Clarke bit her lip. She didn’t want to admit she also felt sexy and wanted by Raven too despite knowing Raven’s devotion to O. She hasn’t felt that way truly since  _ her _ . She felt Bellamy tilt her chin so she could look him in the eye. “I know what you’re thinking.” Taking a breath to buy time to articulate what he wants to say Clarke eyebrows furrow and she averts her eyes. 

“I’m over her Bell -” “You might be over her Clarke, but you’re not over it. Listen to me, I mean really listen to me. Have you ever thought that the reason you believe you’re not worth anything is because maybe because you don’t have the guts to open yourself up to trust anyone that way again? Lexa Woods was your first love, the only love you’ve allowed for yourself. She left you, and she abandoned you in a way that left you no closure. I don’t think you’ve ever moved past that. Niylah is like a deer in headlights around you. The woman practically worships you and Madi, and you can’t so much as look at her because the only person in your bubble is Madi. Your heart is so big Clarke, but it can fit more than Madi if you let it.” Clarke presses her head into his chest and “Thanks Bell.” Shifting his arms around her he says “Anytime Princess, anytime. I should go now or Echo will insist I have a date with Miss Palmer and her five daughters. Seriously though, have a think about what I said.”

Closing the door behind him and locking it she heads into the apartment dazed by Bellamy’s insight into her. He really was a good guy even if he’s a little big kid himself. 

Turning the corner to find Madi inches away from the TV screen which has been paused on a close up of an octopus. “Mads, what on earth are you doing?” Madi doesn’t even look her way “How do you make olives?” Clarke lets out a bark of laughter and bends down to pick Madi up, holding her in one arm and turning the TV off with the other she heads towards the bathroom and answers “Baby, daddy and I were joking. They’re not really octopus eyes. Olives are a fruit, they grow on trees. Like an apple or an orange.” In response to this revelation the child proceeds to put all her fingers on Clarkes upper lip and her thumbs on the bottom lip “You tricked me! You tricked me, I’m going to squish your mouth so you can’t trick me anymore!”

After bathing Madi and humming her a melody to sleep she leaves the room leaving Madi’s door slightly ajar, Clarke walks into her room but stops in the doorway and stares at the door to her built in wardrobe. Bellamys words ring in her head.  _ You might be over her Clarke, but you’re not over it.  _ She swallows the lump in her throat and takes a couple of steps towards it.  _ She abandoned you in a way that left you no closure. I don’t think you’ve ever moved past that _ . A few steps more and she’s in front of it, one hand on the handle and she swallows again.  _ The only person in your bubble is Madi. Your heart is so big Clarke, but it can fit more than Madi if you let it.  _ She opens the door and reaches into the corner grabbing the strap of the case. Turning she lays the case down on her bed and unzips it, flipping the fabric lid open and looks at its contents. 

Her tan coloured Yamaha acoustic-electric covered in hand written words pictures in different coloured sharpies. Her crimson custom guitar strap that Lexa gifted her is still attached. She pushes the case to the side and sits on her bed placing the guitar so the back of the body is on her lap. Resting her right hand on the front of the body she runs her left hand fingers along the strings in front of the fretboard taking in every bump of the rusted, neglected strings, comforted by familiarity of the protuberance caused by the frets. Her right hand thumb flicks low E and she winces. Unsurprisingly, it’s terribly out of tune. As the note rings and eventually fades out she continues to eye the guitar with intense perplexity. 

Though she could never bring herself to use it after Lexa left, Clarke couldn't bear the notion of ever parting with it either. She can’t quite place how this specific instrument became the representation of one of the most devastating moments in her life. But somehow it had.

And with that conscious realisation, she calls Niylah.


	5. Frustrations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first fic so I'm not very confident in my writing and am hoping to get better as I continue posting. So I plead for any constructive critism and feedback so that I can improve. If I need to add tags or have mistagged anything as the story progresses please let me know.

It was Monday morning, Lexa makes her way into the kitchen taking note of the shower running in the bathroom. She finds a cup of coffee waiting for her while Aden and Anya were sitting on the couch in their school uniforms enraptured by what was on the TV. Glancing at the screen, Lexa shakes her head. What compels a child to watch other children to play with toys? Is the concept of playing with their own toys or better yet  _ each other _ really so unappealing? 

BFFFRT! Anya springs from the couch, scowling with disgust and getting red with anger “Aunty! Aden farted on me!” Aden laughed in response. Lexa sighed, miracles do happen right? Maybe? Eventually? “Aunty! Did you hear me?” Turning so she’s facing the little girl Lexa asks “Anya, are you ready for school?” the girl nods “Lunch box?” Another nod “Water bottle?” Another nod “Your hat?” the start of a nod, then a pause “No, I can’t find it!” “What about you Aden?” “I got them.” he responded. Lexa turns her attention back to Ayna “Go look for it then. Aden turn the TV off and come here please”.

The boy got up and sat down looking anywhere but her. It takes her breath away to think about how much he has grown. She takes him in, his shaggy sandy blonde hair that was in need of a cut, light pale blue eyes. He has big ears and is taller than most kids his age but very lanky. He looked nothing like his mother. Aden was usually a soft spoken boy and very reserved unless he was excited. He was an all or nothing kid. If he was sad his response was to bawl. If he was happy he was like a child on a sugar high. He was easily overwhelmed by his feelings but most of the time he seemed pensive. It was always hard to know what he was thinking.

He shifted in his seat. Oh right, she was supposed to say something reprimanding over a harmless child's idea of a prank. “She was copying me and following me everywhere before. All Mum did was tell me to ignore it.” he blurted out as an explanation. “Aden, I know little sisters can be annoying sometimes. But you’re 8 years old. A bit too old to be farting on people on purpose. Do you do this at school?” He rolls his eyes “I know, I know. If I won’t do it at school, then I shouldn’t do it at home either.” he recited. 

Taking a sip of her coffee she gestures with her other hand for him to come to her. She looks into his pale blue eyes and says “I know little sisters can be annoying, but you’re her big brother and she loves you. Maybe, instead of farting on her you can tickle her. She can’t copy you if she’s trying to stop you from tickling her.” Aden grins and hugs her “Are you taking us to school or is mum taking us?” “I am! Get your bag, we’re leaving in a minute!” Costia calls out from the next room over. 

Lexa gets up heading to the kids' shared room to find Anya playing with Aden’s Spiderman doll. The only thing Anya had inherited from Luna's looks was the thickness of her hair. Her hair being a dirty dark blonde colour, that framed her extremely sharp and angular face. Her hazel eyes were always so expressive and while she wasn’t as tall as Aden, she was just as lanky. She has the complete opposite personality to Aden of course. Extroverted and excitable, her moods shifting as quickly and unpredictably as the wind. You always knew where you stood with her at any given moment. She was quick to anger but forgive and always genuine.

“Did you find your hat?” Lexa asks as a reminder, Anya reached behind her and pulled out the missing item that was hidden from Lexa’s line of sight “Mum’s ready to leave. Come give me a hug and have a good day at school huh?” Costia appears behind her. “We’ll talk when I get back ok Lex?” and they were out the door with a quick “Love you Aunty!”.

She sits down at the dining room table and scrolls through the local news as she sips her coffee. A short while later Costia comes and takes the chair next to her. “What happened with Luna the other night?” Straightening her back Lexa drains the rest of her coffee before spewing “Straight to the point huh? I ran into her at the bar. The usual happened. I asked her where she’s been, told her the kids don’t even ask about her anymore and more or less said she was like mum. She said I stole you and her kids away. She’d rather drink and fuck than invest in her relationship with the kids. If she’s so angry about this, why doesn’t she do anything about it?” She takes a deep breath. It was like a never ending rerun to an episode of some soap opera, yet it never failed to fire her up.

“Why can’t she realise that she lost the kids because her one year old injured himself because getting high on drugs while she was pregnant was more important to her?! And she hasn’t changed a bit! Still using the excuse of me stealing them off her as a reason to continue it! I didn’t steal her children. Family Services gave me a damn phone call saying if I didn’t take them they were going into foster care! After 7 years she still can’t take responsibility! She just believes we’re all one happy family without her just because it’s not in her face. She doesn’t see how her disappearing and coming back with false promises affects them! Aden barely says more than a sentence to anyone outside of this house. She doesn’t see Anya’s breakdowns because Anya misses her so much! Oh by the way, did I mention that apparently I’m leading you on and you follow me around like a lost puppy waiting for me?!” 

Costia tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and reaches for one of Lexa’s hands and just like every other time this rage was vented, she reinforces the same message she always does “We’re doing a good job with Aden and Anya. All we can do is be there for them. They know we love them. Consistency. We can’t do anything about Luna. She’s digging her own grave with them.”

Lexa knows Costia is right. But that doesn’t change the fury she feels on behalf of the kids. She stands up forcing herself to push her anger and resentment aside. However she may feel about Luna, she gave birth to two gorgeous children that Lexa wouldn’t trade for the world. She looks at the clock. “I know Cos. I have a 4 hour shift at the Cafe. I’ll do dinner tonight if you want to take the night off and relax.” It doesn’t really need to be discussed. There’s an unspoken arrangement that Costia takes kid duty in the morning and Lexa does the afternoons on weekdays then they switch on weekends, because Lexa Woods is not a morning person. It’s not really set in stone but it’s flexible enough. Understanding that Lexa wants to distract herself from her thoughts, Costia humours her and agrees. 


	6. Here in the Moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey.
> 
> This is my first fic so I'm not very confident in my writing and am hoping to get better as I continue posting. So I plead for any constructive critism and feedback so that I can improve. If I need to add tags or have mistagged anything as the story progresses please let me know.

“That’s it Aden. Remember to keep your left wrist bent and your thumb straight at the neck. If you do that, you’ll find it easier to hold down your bar chords.” Clarke instructed. The boy had a natural talent and dedication for playing. Shifting his hand to do as she said, he continued to pluck the strings before playing a different bar of the song. He frowned. “Miss C, this part sounds different from the song. I want to play it properly.” Clarke felt a smile tug at her lips. He’s also a perfectionist it seems. 

“Now I actually get to teach you something. Place your finger on the 12th fret so you’re firmly touching it but not pressing it down. Not in the middle of the fret, and pluck. Keep your finger on the string.” Leaning over the body of the guitar so he could see what he was doing Aden did as he was told and listened to the note with astonishment on his face. “And that Aden, is what you call harmonics. It’s what this means.” She points to the (h) symbol on his tablature sheet. “It doesn’t work the same on every fret. Only 5th, 7th and 12th.”

Finished with Aden’s lesson, Clarke puts away the music stands and leaves the school, making her way to the park. Nervousness filled her as she spots Niylah sitting down at a table with two cups of coffee on it, scribbling in a notebook. 

They met through Bellamy, and sometimes ran into each other randomly, but mainly interacted at his and Echo’s house and always seemed to pair up there, bonding over their love of art and creativity. This limitation was mainly due to Clarke being guarded. But she did like Niylah, her demeanor was always gentle, calm and patient. She never expected anything from Clarke. She was always just there. It was Clarke that kept her at arms length and Clarke wanted to change that. She felt safe around her.

“Hi stranger.” Niylah’s head jerks up and she closes her note book, picking up one of the coffees and holding it as an offering. “Hello Clarke. I was surprised by your call the other night. Is everything alright?” Clarke takes the coffee and sits down next to her. “Thanks. Nothing’s wrong. I just thought we could get together, have a coffee. You know, see the outside world for a bit.” Niylah’s lips tilted up into her usual gentle smile. “That’s always a good thing to do with the right company.” 

Niylah reopened her notebook this time she started sketching. Clarke took in all the people, people walking their dogs, newly formed families having picnics. She has no idea what to say. She’s forgotten the skills to make and maintain flowing conversation. Usually people in her life approach her. Not the other way around. She feels guilty for wasting Niylah’s time.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say. I’m really bad at this. I didn’t think this through.” Niylah puts her pencil down and tears out the page she was working on folding it up. Following Clarke’s gaze she murmurs “Are you having a bad time?” “No.” “Neither am I. Stop over thinking this. This doesn’t have to be anything more Clarke. Sometimes the best times are when we don’t have to say anything at all. Just be here in the moment” 

Clarke studies at Niylah through her peripheral vision and nervously forces herself to take her hand, she was comforted by the tightening of Niylah’s fingers in response. “Are you free on Sunday, maybe we could do this again?” She asked. Niylah stands and gives Clarke her paper. “I’d like that. I’ll see you then” and heads towards her car.

Clarke unfolded the paper and a small gasp escapes her. There are two small sketches, the first sketch is of her holding Madi staring at each other, expressions of love on her face and an innocent happiness on Madi’s. The second sketch was of her eyes, her eyebrows were furrowed and the look in the eyes were serious and contemplative. 

After she picked up Madi from school, Raven had surprised them for a visit. Listening to the Moana OST. Madi screeching and dancing to the lyrics and Clarke holding onto her hands twirling along with her. These were the moments Clarke lived for.

It was almost time for dinner. Madi was at the table mixing the herbs and spices into the hamburger meat while Clarke diced an onion. Raven sat at the far end of the table lazily swinging on her chair. “So I heard you lost your dating virginity Griffs!” Really? She didn’t. Why? Why In front of Madi? Clarke was having a brain freeze before the inevitable question was asked. “What’s a ‘dating virginity’?” 

“Uh…” Come on Clarke! Think of something! How to get away with murder? “Mummy?” Clarke glared at Raven who wore a shit eating grin. “It means your mummy here, is making a  _ very nice _ friend for the first time.” Madi’s light brown eyes shone with happiness. “I’m proud of you for having a friend!” “Thanks baby, but I have all the friends I need.” 

Madi frowned in confusion “I didn’t even know you had any friends!” Clarke looked at Madi incredulously “What’s Aunt Raven then?” Madi looks at Raven. “Aunt Raven is  _ my _ friend.” That did it for Raven. She bursts out laughing banging her fist on the table then licks her index finger and rubs her thumb together. “Apply ointment to that burn Griffin. Tsssssst! Madi I love you!” Clarke smiled fondly to herself. She loved them too.


	7. Tension and Ice cream

There was the chime of the doorbell. Behind the door stood Luna with a bright smile. Lexa eyed her warily. “Are they home?” Lexa opened the door further allowing her to slip in and the excited noise of Anya and Aden let her know Luna had greeted them. Aden could be heard saying “-I wanna show you. Aunty Lexa! It’s a secret, don't come in!” followed by the slam of the bedroom door. Lexa had been banned from their room whenever Aden played guitar for the past week.

“What about me?” came Anya’s pout. Lexa clucked her tongue, and pulled out a coin from her pocket. “How about I teach you a trick to show her when Aden’s finished?” Bending her right elbow and wrist so that the back of her hand was to her right shoulder she moves her arm so that her elbow is facing upwards. Placing the coin on the elbow she looks to see if Anya is paying attention. Seeing that she is, Lexa maneuvers her arm downwards so that as the coin falls she catches it in the palm of her right hand. She gives the coin to Anya. “Here, you have a turn.” Anya drops the coin to the floor. “You gotta be quick. Keep practicing.” Anya picks up the coin and wanders out of the room presumably to practice.

Lexa wished Costia was back from the store. She always felt so highly strung at the mere mention of Luna let alone being in the same proximity as her. She looked at the table and found a permission slip for Aden to perform at an after hours school fundraiser. Feelings of pride swelled up within her. She always attended school events. She signed the slip and went to push the dishes away and started the laundry.

Costia came through the doors, unpacking the bags and putting the groceries away. “Luna’s here. Apparently she wanted to see the kids.” Lexa informs. A hum of acknowledgment is made. After all, what more can be said about it? 

Luna and the kids make their way out. “Hey babe.” Luna greeted Costia, a look of irritation flashed across Costia’s face. “Hi Luna.” Anya puffed her chest out oblivious to the tension. “Mummy said I was clever! Can we get some ice cream please?” a small smile graced Aden’s face and he shared “Mummy said I played perfectly”. Costia and Lexa shared a look. “That’s great. I told you that you’ll get it if you practice. Lex would you like an ice cream too?” With a shake of her head Lexa answers and looks at Luna “You guys go Cos. I’ll get a start on dinner. I have to talk to you anyway.”

As soon as they were out the door Luna rounds on Lexa “Don’t start. I’m not in the mood.” Lexa takes the time to evaluate Luna’s expression and posture; she was poised and ready to strike. “I wasn’t Luna. All I wanted to say was that Aden has a performance coming up at school in a couple of weeks. It would probably mean a lot to him if you came.” “I’ll try.” Came the response. Well, it was about as much of a commitment as Luna would give.

“Chocolate with sprinkles!” Aden declared. “Not fair. I want chocolate with sprinkles too!” Anya retorted. “How about you both get chocolate with sprinkles?” Costia asked. “Yeah!” they said in unison and ran off ahead as the ice cream stall came into sight. Costia was so grateful. She wouldn’t have the patience to raise them on her own. Costia was aware that without Lexa, she probably wouldn’t be involved with the kids. Lexa never pretended to be their mother or tried to disempower her as their mother and she knew Lexa had her demons about raising them, and about her and Luna. But the situation is what it is.

She looked up and saw Aden and Anya chatting with two women and a young girl. One of the women was tall and lithe with dirty blonde hair and a kind look about her. The girl was slightly on the chubby side with her blonde curls up in pigtails. Minus her brown eyes, she was the splitting image of the woman next to her who had the same blonde hair but dyed pink at the tips, and had blue eyes clear as the sky. Costia spotted a tattoo of a broken infinity symbol on her outer lower right arm above the wrist where a silver men’s watch was clasped. 

Immediately Costia recognised who this was. She came up behind her children and smiled politely. “The infamous Miss C. You’re all he talks about at home. I’m Aden’s mum, Costia.” ruffling Aden’s hair. A brilliant smile lit up Miss C’s face “Hi, so nice to meet you. This is Niylah and my daughter Madi. Aden is really something else and a pleasure to teach.” Glancing over to find Aden stumbling a bit trying to give Madi a piggyback ride who was also dripping ice cream on his back chanting “Giddyup! Giddyup” “Careful Aden.” She cautioned. Anya pulled on Miss C’s black jacket. “Why can Aden only be her friend? I want to be her friend too!” The woman, Niylah knelt down in front of Anya, her voice as kind as her demeanor “Why don’t you play with both of them? Madi loves meeting new people and making friends.” squealing Anya runs off to join Madi and Aden. 


	8. Hello Clarke.

Aden’s big night was finally here. Lexa had missed him, most times after school he locked himself in his and Anya’s room kicking both her and Lexa out, preparing and practicing. Paying a $5 entry fee that included a hotdog and drink per person, Lexa, Anya and Aden made their way to the stage area taking the unoccupied seats as close to the front of the stage as they could. Unfortunately Costia couldn’t get out of work making Lexa promise to take a video of it to show her later, and as expected Luna was a no show. 

Anya’s seat was next to a school friend who she was talking animatedly to. “I’m nervous. There’s too many people.” Aden confessed quietly. Lexa put her arm around Aden. It was awkward with how the chairs were designed. She could see the poor boy was close to tears. “You don’t have to play if you don’t want to. Only if you want to Aden.” The attempt at comfort failed miserably as his breathing became heavier “But I’ve been practicing!” 

She tried a different tactic. “I used to have a friend who played in front of people. Like you, she always practiced. But she let me listen to her practice.” Lexa twitched her fingers to tickle him slightly which caused him to giggle. With her other hand she grabbed on to her necklace. “She would tell me that when she played in front of other people she would pretend she was playing just for me. She used to always say she would get lost in the music. I didn’t know what she meant.” Aden looked up at her “Me too. Did it work?” She tightened her grasp on her necklace and gave a small smile. “It must have. If you find that too hard maybe you could pretend you're reading your music sheet. Remember I'm so proud of you and mum is so proud of you. Just try and have fun. You’ll do amazing because you  _ are _ so amazing.” Aden’s hug hugged her harder. 

The moment was interrupted as the PA system squawked “Can all performers please make their way to the stage.” Aden picked up his guitar and kissed her cheek. There were quite a number of students making their way up the side entrance door that lead to the stage. The lights dimmed and a hush fell over the audience. The principle walked to the center where the microphone was set up. “Welcome, and thank you teachers, families and friends for coming to our special night. Our first performance for the night will be by the 1st and 2nd grade students who will show us their moves. Parents don’t be shy if you know these dances too!” 

Joyful nostalgia filled Lexa as cheering and applauding were heard when the music to the Macarena began playing. She was smitten with the cuteness of the younger children doing the dance. The next two dances were The Hokey Pokey and Nutbush.

The lights dimmed and Lexa was surprised to see the blonde woman from the bar speed walk with a stack of half a dozen stools placing them in the center of the stage and unstacking them in a horizontal line. She ran out the side again and returned with a few music stands, adjusting them to the appropriate height in front of the stools before ducking and staying out of Lexa's line of sight.

The guitar ensemble walked out on the stage and took their seats. The lights brightened, Lexa instantly spotted Aden and she nudged Anya pointing him out to her. Lexa shuffled to get her phone out and turned on video mode. She saw the blonde make her way to the middle of the stage and faced the crowd. All Lexa could think was ‘no’. It can’t be. She grasped her necklace again as tight as she could. No wonder she couldn’t look away at the bar. “Good evening everyone.” The phone dropped from her hand.

Oh god. The vocal confirmation was all she needed. While she had the same husky voice it lacked the excitable quality it used to, and in its place was a quietness that made it hard for Lexa to associate with her memories of her. “My name is Clarke Griffin. Or as these musical talents call me Miss C. Tonight is a special night for us. Aden Green is dedicating his very first solo performance of Metallica - Nothing else Matters to his Aunt. Jordan and Charlotte will be performing a duo to Elvis Presely - Love Me Tender…”

Lexa couldn’t focus anymore on what Clarke was saying. She took all of her in. There seemed to be a permanent crease between her brows as if she spent too much time frowning and a tenseness in her posture. Lexa couldn’t believe her long blonde locks were gone, replaced by the short pink dyed tips hairdo she had first noticed. She wore dark pants that weren’t too loose but not a tight fit and a dark grey uncollared polo shirt with a sleek black leather jacket. Over all, it gave Clarke a very badass mature appearance.

“...And now for your enjoyment.” Clarke finished her speech and jumped down off the stage. Turning around to her face the guitarists, she gave a double thumbs up to them and knelt down clicking her fingers to a beat and Aden played his first note. Lexa’s eyes darted between Aden and the crouching form of Clarke. She was absolutely stupefied. Clarke Griffin taught the boy she considered to be her own son, her favourite song. Clarke Griffin who she left and never thought she’d see again. Clarke Griffin the subject of her memories she spent years making peace with.

Lexa tried to focus on Aden. She was right. Aden played amazingly well and she was touched that he did this for her. At the end of the performances Lexa held Anya’s hand and she saw Clarke bend over saying something to Aden before he enveloped her in a big hug. He grabbed her hand and began to drag her towards Lexa. She watched Clarke’s brilliant blue eyes lift up from Aden to meet hers and widen.

“Hello Clarke.”


	9. Tiny Steps.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lexa pokes and prods and Clarke is icy.

“Hello Clarke.”

The voice and words echoed in her ears. Lexa’s eyes were as green as she remembered them to be. Her expression was purposefully stoic and her jaw was clenched. Good. So she was just as thrown off as Clarke was with this surprise.

What did you say to someone who was your everything after so long? Who had decided to leave you so without any sort of explanation or warning? Clarke had just begun taking chances and moving on and here Lexa is. She’s back. Clarke suddenly felt like she was skydiving and out of air. Taking a deep breath and mentally counting to three she released.

“Aunty Lexa, this is Miss C. She’s the coolest.” Aden’s bright voice brought her back down to the ground. Clarke kept her eyes locked with Lexa’s “I’ve never had anyone play a song for me Aden. I think your Aunty must be pretty cool too.” “No!” Anya disagreed and declared “You’re cooler. You have pink hair.” Before Clarke could reply Lexa cut in and pointed to the stage. “Anya and Aden why don’t you guys go play for a bit while I talk to Miss C?” Reluctantly, they bounded away.

“Clarke.” Clarke averted her eyes to the kids. “Lexa Woods.” Lexa flinched at the tone. “It’s good to see you.” Clarke snapped her gaze back to Lexa as if trying to search for something. “Is it?”

Lexa knew this was not going well.The deep breath. The use of the full name, The curtness. Clarke looked like a trapped animal. She tried to de escalate and forced a smile. “Of course it is Clarke.” “I wouldn’t know.” 

She tried again. “I’m glad you still play.” Clarke frowned at her. “I don’t play. I teach.”

Well, ok then. Apparently that was also the wrong thing to say. She knew instinctively that she was pushing Clarke too hard, too fast. But she couldn’t help herself. She tried again “When did you move here?”

Clarke deflated, like all her energy had been drained. Jeez, couldn’t Lexa take a hint? Clarke didn’t know what to feel or how to think and all Lexa wanted to do was talk as if they were friends who just fell out of contact. 

All she wanted to do was to go home and soak in the bath. Tiredly she asks “What do you want Lexa?” Lexa also deflated, desperation and vulnerability shimmering in her eyes. “I don’t really know Clarke. I want to talk to you and see how you’ve been. Please?” The ‘I missed you’ was unspoken but still heard.

It’s not like Clarke _didn’t_ want to reconnect, it was just she was feeling overwhelmed and confused. She wanted the comfort of her own space away from her ghosts right now. “Give me your number and I’ll text you my address. Come by anytime after 8:30 but I have to leave at 11 tomorrow and we can do some brunch. But I really do need to go now. It’s getting late.” Taking it as a victory Lexa agreed and watched Clarke slouch with her hands in her pockets and amble away.

Clarke had come home more quiet and distant than usual. Niylah didn’t press it, she provided her presence as comfort and they had fallen asleep on the couch together. When Madi had woken up Clarke was still asleep, she had slept restlessly throughout the night.

Figuring Clark needed the sleep, Niylah had ushered Madi to use her quiet voice and made her breakfast and took her to school. 

Turning on the hot water kettle, she went to take a shower. In the middle of getting dressed there was a knock on the door and Niylah rushed to answer it before the noise woke Clarke. Standing in front of the door was a taller than average, fit brunette she had never seen before. The woman’s hair in a loose ponytail, green expressive eyes. A sharp jawline, and cute tiny ears. All in all, she was gorgeous.

“Good morning.” She greeted. The brunette shuffled her feet, eyes darting from Niylah to the apartment inside. “Good morning, um, does Clarke live here?” Niylah stood aside to let her in and closed the door behind them leading them to the table. “Sit down. I’ll let her know you’re here.”

Lexa observed the tall woman make her way to the couch and bend over a moment before straightening up, and head into another room. “Sorry, I must have slept through my alarm” Clarke’s husky sleep filled voice startled her. Sitting up on the couch Clarked looked at her. “Coffee.” She grunted.

While Clarke made coffee, Lexa sat awkwardly taking in her surroundings. There were pot plants, and a couple of cabinets displaying ornaments and trinkets. There were Barbie dolls and My Little Pony figures laying on the ground in a corner. There were pictures that displayed photos of a girl around the age of four hung up all around. If Lexa hadn’t known better she’d think the girl was a young Clarke. But no. This girl had light brown eyes.

Clarke had a child. 

It was uncomfortable enough when the other woman had answered the door obviously having just gotten out of the shower. Lexa for a moment, had believed Clarke had given her a false address. But no, Clarke had a family of her own.

The woman who answered the door took a seat at the table opposite of her and Clarke came in a moment later setting out a plate of sandwiches and left again to return with three mugs of coffee. She took a seat at the end of the table furthest from Lexa but the woman’s concerned eyes stayed on Clarke. Clarke avoided both pairs of eyes. “Niylah, this is Lexa. Lexa and I are old friends. She’s Aden’s aunt. We ran into each other last night at the fundraiser.”

Understanding passed across Niylah’s face and she excused herself with a “Nice to meet you.” directed at Lexa and a touch on the shoulder with a murmur of “I’ll pick Madi up. Call me if you need me.” to Clarke.

“This is awkward, and I don’t know what to say.” Clarke confessed bluntly. “You could start with how you’ve been.” There was no reply.

“I’ve seen you before.” Lexa blurted out, confusion etched into Clarkes features. “I was out at a bar one night. You were dancing with someone.” “And you didn’t think to say anything then?” Lexa was quick to clarify “To be fair, I didn’t know it was you. You had your back to where I was. You have a very distinct hairdo.” “I was with a good friend of mine, Raven.”

Clarke turned to one of the pictures of the young child hanging on the wall but said nothing. “She’s beautiful.” Lexa prompted. “Her name’s Madi. She just turned 5 a little over a month ago. She’s a lot like her father.” “The kids' mum; Costia, said they met her and adored her. I’m a little jealous, they’re a bit smitten with you too.” Laughed Lexa.

Clarke shook her head. “Aden really looks up to you Lexa. I swear, when I met him at school the very first thing he said was “I want to play Nothing Else Matters. It’s my Aunty’s favourite song.” So I made a deal with him. If he spent half of our session practicing his notation we would spend the last half on that song.” 

Lexa gave a small grin, this was the most Clarke has said to her so far. It was another small victory. Impishly she asked “So it’s your fault the kid has banned me from his room? He would literally yell at me ‘don’t come in!’, whenever he went to practice!”

“Don’t blame me. I was only doing what he asked.” Clarke stood up, stretching. “I’ll give you a tour of the house.” “Ok, but you tell me more about Madi.” Agreed Lexa following Clarke. The topic of the children seems to be her kryptonite. 

“This obviously is Madi’s room. She has an obsession with Frozen and she loves to dance. She hates octopus eyes though.” and at Lexa's puzzled expression explains “Bellamy - her father, and I once convinced her olives were octopus eyes. She now hates both.” “Does she play or draw?” Clarke shook her head “Her interest in drawing is no different from any other child. She loves to sing and dance and has no interest in playing any instrument. But there’s plenty of time.”

“Niylah seems nice.” Lexa prompted and immediately Clarke tensed. “She is.” Ok then. Stick to kid related topics. “Aden and Anya keep harassing Cos about Madi. Would it be awkward if we arranged a playdate?” Clarked turned towards her considering it. “I can really only commit to Friday afternoons about 3:30 onwards. Bellamy takes Madi on Sundays and sometimes on Saturdays.”

“Sounds good Clarke. I’ll text you on Friday.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if I disappointed anyone with the build up to the reunion and the reuinion itself (it was never supposed to be an instant catfight or an instant recovery).
> 
> I had wanted to establish the lifestyles, problems and personalities of the characters before the reuinion. 
> 
> I can now focus on the main themes and plot of this fic.
> 
> As always, thank you for reading. Constructive feedback is always welcomed and appreciated.


	10. Chapter 10

“We have plans this afternoon Luna. Come back tomorrow.” Lexa repeated exasperated. They were standing in the doorway, Lexa refusing to let Luna in. After another three weeks of not even a phone call Luna had rocked up demanding time with Anya and Aden when they got home. “Change them. I didn’t come out all this way for nothing.” Luna’s expression was full of fury. 

This was a circular argument they’ve been havin for half an hour now. Lexa decided to give the final blow. “Do you honestly think after seven years that they still sit around waiting for you to decide to want to see them? They have lives now and you’ve actively chosen not to be a part of it. Guess what Luna? They’re growing up. They have friends and hobbies and interests that you know nothing about and I’m not going to interrupt them because you decided  _ you _ missed them.” Before Luna could form a response Lexa shut the door on her and turned the lock. The sounds of Luna punching the door warning that ‘it wasn’t over’ filled Lexa’s ears.

She leaned against a wall and sighed, a few tears making their way down her face. What a fucking week. The kids couldn’t seem to get along for more than five minutes at a time. Costia was acting weird. They haven’t had a full conversation since after she got back from Clarkes. Speaking of Clarke, Lexa didn’t even know what to begin thinking about with her. It’s like someone else is in Clarke’s body. There was very little of the Clarke left that she was familiar with. And who the fuck are Bellamy and Niylah anyway? Now Luna was to start her shit again. Speaking of kids. Lexa looked at the time. Shit, shit, shit. She was late. School finished 15 minutes ago. 

When Lexa arrived at the school she frantically looked for signs of them. Heading into the school community room she could finally take a breath. There they were with Clarke. She absorbed the scene before her. Clarke and Anya were sitting at the table, a pencil in each hand as they drew a picture together. Aden was sitting on a chair closer to a corner of the room, his eyes were red and swollen as if he’d been crying. He was playing guitar. But it wasn’t  _ his _ guitar. Lexa would be able to recognise that guitar from anywhere. That was Clarke’s multicoloured guitar with the red strap and all. 

Taking a breath Lexa opened the door causing all three occupants' heads to whip around. “I’m so sorry. Something came up and I lost track of time.” Anya jolted to her feet and thrust the paper they were drawing on in her face. “Aunty! Look!” Lexa glanced at it. “That’s fantastic Ahn!” Aden had come and hugged her from her side but didn’t say anything. 

“Thank you Clarke.” She said. “It’s fine, is everything ok?” Lexa was surprised. She wondered if she needed to clean her ears out. Was that concern in Clarke’s tone? Did Clarke just ask about her?

“Yes, it’s been dealt with. I know we’re running late. But are we still doing our playdate?” Clarke turned around zipping up her guitar case as she responded “Yeah, I had to call Niylah and see if she would pick Madi up, they’ll meet us at the playground at four. I’ll see you there in a few.” They exited the room and made their way to their cars. 

At the playground they opted to set up underneath a nice shade tree. Clarke one foot out in front of her and the other bent with her right forearm resting on the knee, her left hand fiddling with a blade of grass and her eyes trained on Niylah who was entertaining the children. Lexa sat to her right, leaning back on both hands sitting cross legged.

Chewing her bottom lip Clarke broke the silence. “If you want, you can talk about it.” Lexa’s mouth twisted into a grimace “I didn’t realise you cared.” causing Clarke to flinch. She supposed she deserved that. She hadn’t exactly been friendly with Lexa. “I’m sorry.” She murmured. She felt Lexa studying her. “It’s fine. Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s just been one of those weeks.”

What was she sorry for? Clarke was sorry for so many things. Sorry for asking a personal question? Sorry for not fighting for answers? For cutting ties? For the cold shoulder? For being an emotional mess? Her apology was so cryptic and so layered. 

Clarke heard Lexa shuffle next to her. “I never thought I wouldn’t know how to talk to you. You’re different.” Clarke let out a small chuckle and stated the obvious “We’re both different. We’ve swapped roles. Lexa Woods is now expressive and outgoing.” “I have to be with those two”.

Clarke looked at Lexa. She looked older, sadder and resigned, but she was still just as beautiful. Clarke felt an overwhelming sense of bitter sweetness and for a moment she wanted to wrap her arms around her.

Turning her gaze back to the playground she spotted Madi on Niylah’s shoulders fumbling with grasping at the monkey bars. Anya was absolutely covered in sand trying to throw handfuls of sand at Aden who had taken refuge in a high branch of a tree verbally taunting his younger sister.

“Aden and Anya get along splendidly well.” She said trying to shake off her rush of emotions. “Absolutely, like water and oil.” Came Lexa’s sarcastic response. Silence took over again. Clarke didn’t know who said it. Maybe it was her. Maybe it was Lexa. Maybe it was both of them. But it made her want to cry.

“I missed you.”


	11. Impulses

The weeks came and went quickly. Clarke and Lexa had formed a tentative relationship that seemed to be defined by nostalgia, tension and the fast friendship the kids were establishing. They had yet to speak openly. Relying on their sense of experience and intuition to dance around each other. Push. Pull. Wait. Repeat.

It was intriguing to see the dynamics between the children. Lexa supposed Madi’s personality was more like her fathers. She was playful, mischievous and happy go lucky. This caused her and Anya to often team up and run circles around Aden who always humoured them in their antics but always quickly needed space from them.

Aden wasn’t always the victim to Madi’s behaviour. It was only the week before when they were having a sleepover that Anya had asked for Costia to check under the bed for monsters and as she gave the all clear, Madi had declared that the monster was hiding and would eat Anya when she fell asleep, causing a wave of tears much to Costia’s dismay and Lexa’s amusement.

It was currently movie night at Lexa’s. Movie night was putting it mildly considering Lexa was currently the only one awake. Anya had fallen asleep on the couch next to her. On the floor Clarke was positioned in front of Anya sitting up using the couch as a backrest, her head dropped to her chest, with each of her legs in front of her claimed as a pillow by both Madi and Aden and each of her hands resting on them. 

It was an endearing sight. “This is awfully domesticated.” Costia stated. There was a tone in her voice Lexa was unfamiliar with. Costia had taken to making herself scarce when Clarke was in the vicinity so her presence out of the room tonight took Lexa offside. She stood up navigating around the blankets, careful not to trip over any of the sleeping bodies and leaned up against the wall facing Costia.

“Cos, are you ok?” she asked. Costia took a few steps closer, leaning against the wall next to her, her eyes landing on Clarke and the children.  Uncharacteristic bitterness coloured her tone as she replied “She’s like a whirlwind. She dropped you like a bad habit and never wanted to hear from you again and now here she is. Everywhere I look is Clarke. You adore her, Aden and Anya adore her. All Aden speaks about is Clarke and what she’s teaching him. All Anya asks about is when can she see Clarke and Madi next.” She turned to face Lexa looking into her confused and sorrowful green eyes and her voice softened “I miss how things used to be. I miss them and I miss you.” 

Lexa swallowed, unsure how to respond. Her and Costia had never been like  _ that _ with each other. She chanced a look at the sleeping people in their living room then looked at Costia again. Why not? Cos had been her rock, had seen her at her best and her worst and still supported her. She was so weary of being alone.

“Please Lex.” Costia stepped closer into her personal space wrapping her arms around her. Lexa acquiesced and lowered her mouth to meet Costia’s, sucking on her lower lip before swiping her tongue asking for access.

Costia drew away leading Lexa to her bedroom falling back into the bed. Lexa crawled over her lightly sucking at her neck before Costia sat up removing her shirt and her bra and they kissed again. Costia’s hands slipping underneath Lexa’s shirt. One hand groping her breast and the other on the small of her back. Lexa lowered her head, taking a nipple into her mouth. 

Her hands gliding down Costia’s stomach and underneath her pants feeling her wetness causing Costia to gasp as she pushed two fingers in. Lexa kissed her again to drown out any noises as she found a slow gentle rhythm, Costia thrusting her hips to meet her fingers. Lexa’s thumb began rubbing her clit causing a moan.

It wasn’t long before Costia shuddered from her orgasm. She wordlessly tried to bring Lexa closer to her. But Lexa shook her head and lowered herself down Costia’s body, removing her pants and underwear along the way. Guiding her legs apart, Lexa licked and sucked at Costia’s clit before thrusting her tongue inside until she came again.

As Costia caught her breath Lexa laid next to her. Costia’s hands wandered over her, but when one made its way to her stomach Lexa grabbed it, bringing it to her mouth she kissed it. “This was for you. Don’t worry about me.” Costia nuzzled closer to her mumbling an unintelligible response.

The sound of Costia’s steady breathing filled the room. Lexa was on her back. Getting up, she tucked the sheet over her and she made her way to the bathroom and took a shower. Tears mingling with the water. She wondered if Costia and her would recover from this impulse. The feeling of deep regret had seeped into the deepest part of her. She felt stupid, guilty and dirty. She scrubbed herself harder as if to wash away her regrets.

Finishing dressing herself she went to the kitchen to get a drink. She spared a look to the living room. Her heart dropped. Aden was now on the couch curled up with Anya, a blanket covering them both. The rest of the blankets were neatly folded on the coffee table.

Clarke and Madi were gone.


	12. Author's Query - Requesting Perspective

At the risk of sounding defensive or offended, It would mean a lot to me if people commented with answers to a few questions I have regarding the fail of the last chapter.

I'm finding it difficult to comprehend that we as a fandom have fics in which Lexa rapes Clarke, cheats on her (or cheats on her partner with Clarke), uses sex as a coping mechanism or in which Clarke cheats on her partner with Lexa, and or is bratty that are all in general well received.

Yet I write a fic in which the only established relationship between Clexa so far is in the past and long over, and Lexa and Costia who are practically married without any titles or physical intimacy decide to sleep together and I've upset people. For me, it would seem strange two people whos lives are so intertwined (and have been for a while) wouldn't at least explore the possibility of something else.

Is this because I'm pushing peoples tolerance on what their idea of who Lexa should be as a character? Or is it because progress with Clexa is really slow?

I fully accept responsibility for my failure as a writer in establishing points and empathy in the plot and characters. I have gotten a few positive comments but I don't know specifically where I went right.

*********

A few comments to the last chapter all seem to say the same thing or ask the same things. So here's a copy and paste of a response that hopefully give more insight to why Chapter 11 occured (which I failed to establish in the story).

_No worries, this chapter was very different to what I had initially had planned. I'm honestly struggling because I don't know how to pace the relationship between Clexa. I really do intend on a slow burn. I want this fic to really be about overcoming your own demons (and mistakes) and learning to accept and forgive others for theirs. I have no beta and despite rereading before I post it's hard for me to pick up what points I'm missing in a chapter. So I appreciate all the questions._

_I had always planned on confusion surrounding Costia's and Lexa's relationship. To me, it would seem natural after 7 years (or any large amount of time) that lines are blurred when you live and raise children together your lives are so closely intertwined._

_I know a few comments have been along the lines of "WTF LEXA" But I suppose I've failed in portraying Lexa's frustration and loneliness. On one hand Clarke is her biggest romantic regret (the one who got away so to speak). Clarke just re-enters her life and she was filled with hope. Although with that being said Clarke is also giving Lexa whiplash. She's hot and cold with her and Lexa is having a hard time associating this "new" reserved, cold Clarke with the Clarke of the past who was more carefree, chipper and outgoing. Also her co-parent Costia has been distancing herself from her._

_On the other hand Costia had been dealing with her own insecurities and distancing herself which was in my head, supposed to be the catalyst for them sleeping together. Costia is shaken. For 7 years Lexa has been the rock in the household. Their stability relies on Lexa. Despite Costia's turmoil regarding Luna. Lexa has always been there and has always been steady. Now everyone's wrapped up in Clarke and she's afraid of losing all that and questioning how her role in the households affections is. She comes out and sees everyone camped out, kids surrounding Clarke and she feels threatened._

_Hence the chapter title: Impulses._

_To answer your question about Costia claiming Clarke dropped her. It was meant to reference the fact Clarke cut all ties with Lexa, she explictly requested never to hear from her again. As another user commented it would be highly unexpected to NOT question or demand some sort of closure if your long term partner decided to leave. Just keep in mind, so far this fic has yet to really go into any of the reasoning, feelings or throught proccesses surrounding their split or why each of them chose to make the decisions they did._


	13. The Set Up

Clarke woke up, her neck aching from the position she had fallen asleep in. She hadn’t meant to fall asleep. Light shone into the room from the hall. She took in her surroundings. All the children were with her sleeping peacefully, but there was no sign of Lexa. Carefully she maneuvered Madi and Aden so she wouldn’t wake them up. She figured if the lights were on someone would be awake right?

She entered the hall and heard the rustling of clothes and a gasp coming from a room where the door was open. Against her better judgement she peered in. Lexa was fully clothed with her head between a very naked Costia’s legs.

There was a strange sense of detachment as she took in the sight. She didn’t know how she viewed Lexa. On one hand there was a constant pull towards her. An affinity to her that Clarke couldn’t put into words. On the other hand Clarke felt tossed aside by her and she couldn’t work that out in her head.

For a year Clarke had raged at herself for not fighting for her. For not demanding answers. At the time Clarke had figured that if Lexa couldn’t be bothered to have the respect for her to give her answers the one and only time she asked, then maybe Lexa was never really hers. And if Lexa was willing to leave with a simple ‘I won’t be coming back.’ what could Clarke do other than accept it. Obviously Lexa meant more to Clarke than she had to her. But Clarke hadn’t accepted it had she.

During that year she found comfort and companionship with Bellamy. They mistook it for more and spent the night together. Things were so awkward the next morning that they agreed to never mention it again and proceeded as if it never happened. Except that night they conceived Madi. Luckily for her, he wanted to be a part of Madi’s life, and luckily for him when he met Echo she was accepting, even if a bit cautious around Clarke initially.

As fate would have it she moved to the same town as Lexa, she could see the conflict in Lexa in every interaction that they had. Torn between wanting to respect the wordless non-personal boundaries Clarke made and at the same time being just as frustrated by them. Her eyes still gave her away.

Clarke for her part seemed to find any sort of emotional intimacy difficult. Niylah and her cuddled but they hadn’t made it past that. They talked about their day and spent time with each other but never spoke about what she felt. Her interactions with Lexa while frequent, were very rarely not impersonal. She felt burned by Lexa and found it hard to risk coming closer to that fire no matter what warmth it provided. But at the same time, she had been accepting to be in its glow until now.

Making her way back to the living room she gently lifted Aden onto the couch with Anya throwing a blanket over them. Folding the rest of the blankets she carried Madi closing the front door as quietly as she could.

Niylah was really more than Clarke deserved. She was patient, empathetic, and intuitive. So when Clarke came in, her features stoney, they both tucked Madi into bed. Niylah hugged Clarke.

“What happened at Lexa’s?” Niylah addressed the elephant in the room. Clarke looked up at Niylah, guilt and despair filled her. She didn’t love Niylah but she couldn’t lose her. She swallowed, and decided to spit out the truth.

“She slept with Costia. I’m angry but I’m not angry, I don’t know how I feel. I shouldn’t feel angry. I’m guilty. I like you, I do. I just... I don’t know” She ranted.

To her surprise Niylah let out a laugh. “Clarke, I hope you’re not feeling guilty about me. I told you from day one we didn’t have to be anything more. We could just be in the moment. I did like you Clarke. I thought you were beautiful and I loved your devotion to Madi. But it didn’t take long to realise it wouldn’t work. I’ve spent enough time around you to know you’re a tough nut to crack. Your shell is so thick it won’t be open unless it’s opened from the inside.”

Clarke stared at her dumbfounded and Niylah continued “I needed a purpose, and you needed companionship. We give that to each other. That is the nature of our relationship. I love Madi and I love being there for you. Everything about you screams friendzone even when you  _ try _ . You and Lexa obviously have a complicated history. I’m not surprised you’re confused by this.”

Clarke mulled over Niylah’s words. They were true she supposed. She was hit by a sudden wave of fury. Fucking Lexa Woods. Clarke keeps getting emotional whiplash ever since Lexa waltzed up to her and so calmly said ‘Hello Clarke’. The fury left just as quickly as it arrived leaving her with an emptiness. Feelings she thought she had buried are constantly brought to the forefront.

“I need to get my head on straight. I think I need a few days away. I might call in work and have a long weekend.” She proposed.

Niylah nodded. “Alone?” Clarke shook her head. “I’ll see if Bellamy and Echo will take Madi, if they can’t, maybe Octavia and Raven will. They adore her. But I don’t want to be alone..” She chewed her lip leaving the unspoken question implied.

Niylah hummed for a moment in thought. “Maybe being alone for a week is what you need to clear your head. Away from everything. I can look after Madi.”

In that moment Clarke felt dismay towards herself for not being able to love Niylah. She wondered if she’d ever relax enough to let anyone in enough to love them. She wondered if she’d ever forgive herself or forgive  _ her _ in order to love so wholly again.

“Thank you.” she whispered.  _ For everything _ was omitted. “Always Clarke. Let’s get to bed. It’s getting pretty late and you have plans to make tomorrow.” Came the gentle reply.


	14. Confrontations

Clarke had decided to rent a cabin out by a lake for four days an hour out of town. She sat staring off into the blue water. The weather suited her mood, overcast. She was lonely. She missed the sound of the kids boisterously playing with each other. She missed Niylah’s silent but comforting presence and Bellamy’s stupid jokes already.

Clarke didn’t feel as if she was a bad person. But she didn’t feel as if she was a good person. She had wonderful people in her life that she felt as if she didn’t actively appreciate them enough. Strong, quiet, gentle Niylah, Bellamy with his steadfast loyalty and funny jokes, Octavia and Raven who always stopped in to make sure her and Madi were doing well. 

They never expected anything in return and cared for her unconditionally with the same intensity that she cared and loved Madi. They just did it because they were good people who cared. What did Clarke do? Nothing. Even with people she trusted she was quiet and just went with the flow. But never offered more than that.

She wondered if there was a time she made a major decision herself was. She moved here because of Bellamy. She made a laughable attempt at a relationship with Niylah at Bellamy’s encouragement. She maintained contact with Lexa because of nostalgia, Madi and her friendship with Aden and Anya.

Maybe it was time she took responsibility to figure out what she wants and then make her own choices. Maybe it was time to find something she was passionate about. She went into the cabin and pulled out her guitar, taking it outside she found a log to sit on and for the first time in so long she actually played.

It was like she never stopped. Just like riding a bike. Her right hand fingers plucked at the strings in a pattern as her left hand changed chords. She closed her eyes, getting swept away with the music. She felt peaceful.

A voice swept Clarke out of her reverie, “You still play beautifully. I thought you said you don’t play. You teach.” Well, so much for peaceful.

Clarke stood her guitar up leaning against a nearby tree, her eyes narrowed. “What are you doing here Lexa?”

Lexa looked terrible. She was slouching, her clothes were unkempt, bags under her eyes. Her expression was determined. “Can we talk? I mean really talk?”

Clarke stared at her impassively “What’s there to talk about?”

The retort was quick. “What don’t we have to talk about Clarke?”

“Where’s Costia?”

“At home. Can we please talk?”

“How did you know I was here?”

“I stopped by your place. Niylah told me.”

Clarke sighed. Thanks Niylah, so much for having time away. She briefly pondered the idea of crafting a makeshift Lexa voodoo doll and poking it in the eyes. “Whatever, you’re here now I guess. So talk.”

Lexa shuffled, “Can we sit inside? It looks like it’s going to rain soon.”

Clarke didn’t even bother with a response as she picked up her guitar, and headed into the cabin. She sat down and without waiting for Lexa to sit, she said “Let’s talk. An honest talk. So out with it.”

Lexa was nervous, terrified really. She took a moment trying to think about what she wanted to articulate, and blurted out stupidly “I’m not with Costia.” 

Impatience clouded Clarkes features. “You mean to tell me, you drove one hour out here to tell me that you’re not in a relationship with the woman you live with, raise children with and fuck?”

“Yes, no. Stop. Please Clarke. I don’t know. Just let me talk please?” Clarke just stared at her. “I’m waiting.”

“I never stopped thinking about you. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t miss you.” Lexa rushed.

Clarke rolled her eyes. She did not want to do this. “You left me Lexa. You left me with no warning. With no explanation. You left me with no home. You left me with nothing but a memory. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to get through that?” Clarke felt like a soda bottle that had been shaken. The pressure eventually needs to be relieved.

Lexa clenched her jaw, her eyes were getting watery. “What the fuck was I supposed to do Clarke?! We were just out of school. I got a joint phone call from Luna and Child Services saying that if I was unwilling or unable to care for Anya and Aden, Child Services would be forced to get a court order and they would be put into homes! It’s not like it was easy for me to leave.”

“Then why didn’t you talk to me Lexa?! I was your partner. Your girlfriend. I had shaped my entire future with you in it! I thought we were going to face the world together. Get Married, support each other. Love each other.” Clarke didn’t know if she was yelling or crying.

Lexa stood up and walked to Clarke and knelt on the floor before her. And soft said “I couldn’t ask that of you. I knew you would.” Tears started falling “You would have done anything for me. I know. But I would have given up my life for you too. I thought that’s what I was doing when I left. But then you didn’t even fight it. You just accepted it, and gave me this.” She untucked her necklace from the inside of her shirt. 

“I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to call you, skype you, zoom you. Anything. But you said no. I needed you, my best friend. We were friends first Clarke. Then we were nothing.”

Clarke eyed the necklace with an expression of disbelief before she spat. “Don’t sit there and act as if this is my fault. You never gave me a choice. I was in love with you. We never could have gone back to just being friends. I had to work through that, and I did until I saw your face again.”.

Lexa swallowed. “I’m not trying to blame you. I was trying to explain myself. Things haven’t been easy for me either. This!” She shook the necklace “This grounded me. You grounded me even if you weren’t here.” Lexa shifted so that she was sitting cross legged. To her surprise Clarke lowered herself to the floor so they were next to each other. “You grounded me Clarke. When I saw you at the fundraiser, I just wanted to be near you. But you didn’t seem to care. You looked like you could have cared less if I keeled over in front of you. I had to fucking beg you to talk to me.”

Clarke frowned. “What did you expect Lexa? That I was sitting around praying for you to come back? The only reason I got through it was because of Bellamy I had to couch crash at his. I didn’t make enough money to support myself. I didn’t know if you were ok, or if you just didn’t want me anymore. You threw me in the deep end and I had to sink or swim. Half the time I don’t know if I hated you or cared about you. When I saw you again, I didn’t want to be your friend. But our kids were friendly. I had to be near you. I didn’t know if I was resentful for that or happy that Madi was happy.”

Lexa closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Things with Luna are shaky. I said before there’s no court order. That means she keeps all her legal rights as a parent. She could in fact take Aden and Anya off me at any given time. I could still call in a report about concerns for child welfare but legally I can’t stop her from taking them. But Cos also has her parental rights. She believes she doesn’t have the ability to take care of them or their needs by herself so we live together and raise kids together.”

“-and fuck.” Came Clarkes dry remark.

“No, well yes. It only happened once. I wanted you. I’ve always wanted you Clarke. But you barely gave me the time of day.”

“-Can you fucking blame me? When I gave you everything I had, you walked away without a word!”

Lexa let out a frustrated growl. “I know that Clarke but it doesn’t change the way I felt at the time! She wanted me, and for just for a little while, I was around someone who  _ wanted _ to be near me. She didn’t look at me like she wanted to stab me.” She gave Clarke a pointed look. “She didn’t insult me or pick fights with me like my sister.”

Clarke sighed. She didn’t have the will or the energy to continue this any further. Too many wounds had been opened for the moment.

What a shit storm.


	15. Acknowledgements

Clarke and Lexa were still sitting on the floor lost in their own thoughts. Clarke was emotionally exhausted, all of this could have been avoided if Lexa had just talked to her that day. Stupid noble Lexa and her damaging way of doing things. Didn’t she know the end doesn’t always justify the means for everyone involved? 

She turned her head, taking Lexa in. She looked defeated. Embers of Clarke’s resentment still burned brightly. Understanding didn’t excuse Lexa’s actions. It did however make it easier to accept them and lessened her anger - somewhat.

She huffed, drawing Lexa’s gaze to her, eyes locking. “I can hear you thinking.” She said tentatively. 

“I was thinking you’re an idiot.” Clarke answered bluntly causing Lexa to flinch and curl into herself. Clarke shuffled a bit away from Lexa, reaching out to her and guiding her to lay her head on her lap. She ran her fingers through Lexa’s hair. 

“I know I am.” Came the quiet admission.

“When you left me, I didn’t know why. What I did. I hated you. I thought I didn’t mean anything to you if you left that way. You made me question myself and my value as a person.” Clarke said quietly. “But I lied to you. When I said I didn’t want to be your friend. Sometimes I missed you. I missed the people we were. I can’t hate you. If you didn’t leave I wouldn’t have Madi, or Bellamy or Niylah or even those dorks Octavia and Raven. Sometimes I wanted to be your friend. But then I remembered what happened before I had Madi.”

She felt Lexa shift underneath her, but refused to look down. “I don’t hate what you did Lexa. But I hate the way you did it. The way you left tore me to pieces, not just my life, but  _ me _ . When you left me, I saw the world differently. When I found out I was pregnant with Madi, there was hope again. You have always been a good person Lexa, and you still are.” Clarke’s thumb gently traced over Lexa’s brow. 

“But you make shitty choices.” The brow furrowed. “-and I don’t know if I can get over those choices. I do know I have no choice but to accept them. Madi loves your kids and I loved you once. I don’t know what to do with you. But I do know I’m not going to let this affect her. I don’t want us coming over to your house. They can play and visit at mine, or we can meet up somewhere else.”

Lexa gave a hum of acknowledgement, the air was thick with the weight of every sentence Clarke spoke. The cushion of Clarke’s thighs and the swipe of her fingers on her brow brought a feeling of comfort that opposed the conflicting messages of reassurance of Lexa’s character and the resignation of the events that have occurred in Clarke’s perspective.

She closed her eyes and clasped her hand over her necklace. She had nothing left. Nothing left to say, nothing left to confess or beg for. She would go home and meet Costia’s accusatory gaze and frosty attitude and navigate the new turning point in their relationship. She would pretend everything is ok in front of Aden and Anya. And she would try and be better. For now though she will bask in the physical comfort of Clarke.

Lexa woke up a little disorientated. She slowly recalled the events earlier. She was still on the floor, a pillow under her head and a blanket had been thrown over her. She opened her eyes, it was night time. The soft glow of kitchen light lit the room up. Turning her head again she saw no sign of Clarke. Of course she wouldn’t. It’s not like Clarke was obligated to do anything for her or stay with her. She supposed it was more than she deserved that Clarke had even bothered with the pillow and blanket.

She got up off the floor, stretching. She poked her head into the cabin bedroom to find the bed empty. The pillow and the blanket must have been the only one. She spotted Clarke’s clothes and her guitar. Clarke must be here somewhere. She sighed sadly. It doesn’t matter, she did what she came to do. 

The ball is in Clarke’s court now. That didn’t mean she didn’t have things to do. She was good at making decisions and sticking by them. She wasn’t so good at communicating those decisions. First she needed to talk to Luna and Costia, and it didn’t sound like Clarke knew what she wanted from her. She had no choice but to wait and see.

She took a shower and made some coffee to fill her thermal cup with for the way home. As she made her way to the parked cars she frowned when she heard the soft rumble of Clarke’s car. Looking through the window she found Clarke had reclined the seat back and was sleeping in it.

Lexa’s frowned deepened as she noticed the car door was unlocked. Opening the door she realised Clarke left the car engine on because she was using the heater. Leaning in slightly she turned off the ignition removing the key. Placing her cup of coffee in the cup holder she maneuvered around to lift and carry Clarke out of the car similar to a way a bride would be carried and headed back into the cabin to put her in bed.

Lexa found some paper and a pen, and wrote a note leaving it on the table. Reluctantly taking her necklace off she gazed at it in her hand for a moment before placing it on top of her note. Already she felt naked without it on. And with that, she locked the door on her way out and drove home.

_ Clarke, _

_ Thank you for giving this to me. It’s the most valuable thing I own and was a lifeline to me in so many ways. When you left it for me to find I thought it was a symbol of what our relationship meant to you. I hope one day you find me worthy enough to be deserving of it again. _

_ Yours then and always, _

_ L _


	16. Directions

Lexa sat in her car, parked in her driveway. She had been sitting here since she got back from the cabin. The sun had come up a while ago.

Lexa was afraid. 

When she had first been informed that Luna was considered to be a risk to Aden and by extension Anya, and that Costia didn’t believe herself to be capable of raising them on her own Lexa had been terrified then.

She had never wanted children. Her father was absent in hers and Luna’s lives, and their mother was hardly the best role model, often leaving them to their own devices to get high or drunk. How did Lexa end up in a position where she not only had to take care of another life’s basic needs, but spontaneously gain the skills to nurture them too?

She chose to give up her life for the good of her niece and nephew without hesitation and booked a flight for the next day. Terrified was understating how she had felt. Less than 24 hours was not enough time to prepare for the change in lifestyle or mentality for the notion of raising children. She doubted nine months was either.

Aden and Anya had no choice in their circumstances, and suddenly they were at Lexa’s mercy. So completely and utterly dependent on her. In hindsight she never fully realised Clarke’s dependency on her either. She had believed that the kids' needs outweighed Clarkes. She believed Clarke would cope and move on even if she would never move on from her.

As resentful towards Luna as she was about placing her in this position at the beginning, she was now terrified of losing Aden and Anya. For 7 years she’s dedicated herself to them, and now she’s risked them because she was fucking stupid and complicated things with Costia because she  _ felt _ lonely. If she thought raising the children was terrifying. The very thought of losing them was causing her paranoia.

Despite her own fears of losing the children, what about the effect this will have on them? How will everyone come out of this intact? She had no idea how to approach this. And what about Clarke?

Lexa hadn’t thought at the time about how much Clarke would have to overcome. She had simplified it down to the kids needed Lexa more because they were incapable and none of it was their fault or choice, and as much as she loved Clarke, she believed Clarke was an adult and would make it through. Separating Clarke and the kids into two separate mental boxes was the only way Lexa was able to commit to this situation with them.

She thought about Clarke’s words and behaviours. Nothing indicated that Clarke was upset she slept with Costia. There was very little that indicated that Clarke  _ still _ loved her. Clarke had only used the words love or care in past tense terms. Clarke was in her life again. But Lexa had never really gotten her  _ back _ . Lexa didn’t think she would.

As much as it pained her. Lexa realised Clarke shouldn’t be a factor or a goal in this situation. How can she have anything with Clarke if she’s tied to Costia, Luna and the children as intricately as she is? Clarke said she wasn’t going to leave or cut ties because of Madi. Maybe the goal with Clarke isn’t to try and win her back as a partner and rock, but to start with becoming her friend and lowering her expectations of what she wants from Clarke?

Her train of thought switched to Costia and Luna. Angry, bitter, irresponsible Luna. Comforting, supporting. yet reliant Costia. How on earth was she going to navigate this without causing more damage than she already has? Vague options and courses of actions swirled around in her head. Before the lightbulb turned on.

It was risky, and she was terrified but she knew what she had to do.

A knock on the car window startled Lexa so much she jumped. It was Aden. She opened the door. “Mum told me to tell you to come inside.” Lexa nodded and opened the door. Aden cocked his head uncertainly “Are you and mum fighting?” 

Lexa always made a point not to lie to Aden or Anya about anything. She knew enough not to tell them everything, but she never lied. She swallowed. “We’ll work it out.” A lie by omission. Lexa had no idea, and ‘working it out’ didn’t always mean things resulted in the way you wanted them to. 

She put her hand on his shoulder as they headed into the house. Anya ran up to greet her. Costia did not greet her. 

Clarke bit her lip, she had been sitting at the table staring at the necklace Lexa left behind ever since she read her note. She wondered if she had been too hard on her. Clarke believed she was more than entitled to feel upset about everything. But she questioned whether or not it was fair to be. Now that she had time to think about everything that Lexa had bared to her she could consider that things were not in fact as simple as she first believed.

Lexa had not left her because she didn’t love her. Lexa did not abandon her and forget about her. The course of events had  _ also _ changed her. Lexa who used to be calm, collected and the more rational of them both, was now shaky, emotional, and so lost.

She had expected Lexa to throw her necklace away when she found it. After all, who would leave someone like that if they had meant anything to them? Everything Clarke was today now had been defined by that moment. And now.. And now what? Lexa had  _ kept _ it. She had  _ clung _ to it.

Anger flared up again hot and white. Lexa had once again made her question herself by doing the very thing Clarke had wished for back then. By being open and honest. Clarke’s beliefs had been shaken and torn. Lexa loved her then, loved her still and loved her throughout.

Lexa’s circumstances were way too messy for Clarke to want to be involved in. It would be absolutely ridiculous. Entertaining the notion of being involved with Lexa in any way would be like having an unstable polyamerous relationship. She would also be in a relationship with Costia, the actual ‘wife’ and then the jilted troublesome Luna whenever she made an appearance and Clarke would be the girlfriend on the side.

Clarke huffed to herself. It sounds like some sick inscestuous senario. Clarke would do as she said. Madi loved Aden and Anya. The other pieces will fall into place. 

Clarke Griffin will not be involved with the mess that is Lexa Woods.


	17. Confronting the Past & Ultimatums

After spending the next three days at the cabin reflecting and relearning her enjoyment for playing guitar, Clarke returned home. “Mummy!” Madi greeted and jumped on her. “Hey baby, missed me did you?” Clarke grinned. The overly enthusiastic nod warmed her heart. 

Niylah stood leaning against the doorway with her own small smile. Clarke picked Madi up and made her way to the house. She paused in front of Niylah. “Hi. I hope she wasn’t too much trouble.”

“Never, she was an angel, weren’t you?” Niylah’s smile grew wider and she winked at Madi. “Uh huh! We baked cakes and went to the park and saw daddy! What did you do when you were gone mummy?!” 

Clarke arched an eyebrow at Niylah “Funny story really. Lexa came and visited me. Someone told her I was by myself and that I was lonely so she came to keep me company.”

Madi smiled, the meaning behind Clarke’s words going completely over her head. “Lexa is nice, she’s Aden’s favourite person.” Niylah stood aside to let Clarke come in and chalked on “Mummy and Lexa needed time to talk. Is Lexa mummy’s favourite person too?” She subtly questioned 

Clarke frowned. “I wasn’t expecting it, but we did manage to talk. Besides, Lexa can’t be my favourite person because you are.” She poked Madi in the side causing her to squeal with delight. “What do you say we go and do some Disney karaoke huh?” Niylah’s laugh and Madi’s excited “Yay!” answered that, and they went inside to exactly that.

It was after dinner and Aden was in his room, Anya was watching Masha and the Bear. Lexa had no idea how Anya could sit upside down on the couch, she had her head hanging off the seat, with her feet hanging over the backrest. It must be a kid thing.

Costia was working on a sudoku puzzle. Lexa cleared her throat to get her attention, not wanting to reduce their proximity. Costia’s eyes locked on to her and Lexa said quietly “I know you have nothing on for tomorrow. Luna will be coming over while Aden and Anya are at school. We all need to clear the air.” It didn’t need to be said  _ if _ Luna even shows up. But Lexa had told her it was important. So who knows. Maybe she will. Lexa hoped she would. It would suck if she were forced to do this over text. Costia nodded, her eyes held a muted anger and tersely replied “Ok. So a big family meeting tomorrow. Got it.” Lexa headed to her room not wanting to impose herself on Costia any longer. Tomorrow Lexa was going to make enemies.

The night went too slowly, yet morning came too quickly. Lexa didn't sleep. She had been too anxious. She could hear the morning activity happening in the household when Aden and Anya woke up, and made her way out to the main area and gave Anya and Aden their good morning hugs and kisses.

Children are a lot more aware than people give them credit for. Almost instinctively they held onto her longer than usual. The kisses were more plentiful than normal. Lexa burned these actions into her memory, and he stared longingly at them as Costia walked out the door with them to take them to school.

When Costia returned, Lexa shifted on her chair uncomfortably feeling like she was wrapping a noose around her neck, and sincerely started with saying. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Then why did you?”

There was no nice way to answer the question. So she countered with a question of her own. “Why did you proposition me?” The glare she received was withering. 

“Because Lexa, ever since we started living together we’ve practically been in a relationship. We were just missing alone time. We make decisions together, we take care of children together, we support each other, we rely on each other financially. Are you really telling me that we were platonic all this time? Suddenly Clarke comes back and you’re in pieces. I have nothing without the kids, and I can’t have the kids without you.”

The noose tightened a little. Lexa scratched the table top idly and frowned. “Maybe that’s the problem Cos -” But Costia didn’t want to hear it. Steamrolling on she continued “With the exception of Luna being a headache, we were happy Lexa, and now that woman is back we can’t even look at each other.”

“Cos, I don’t honestly think Clarke’s the problem here. If there’s a list of people to blame she should be at the bottom. I really think that -” Lexa was cut off by the pounding of the door. So Luna decided to show after all.

Lexa got up to open the door, Luna greeted her with malicious sneer, plopping herself on the couch rather than sit at the table with her and Costia. Luna didn’t  _ appear _ high on. That didn’t mean she wasn’t.

“So what does the high and mighty Lexa want of us?” Luna drawled.

Costia had an expression of agreement on her face

“I want to know what both of you want. If either of you have anything they need to get off their chests.”

Costia scoffed “About what? Weren’t we just talking about this?”

Luna interjected “I wasn’t here for that moron. I don’t have anything to say that you don’t already know. Lexa, you stole my kids, stole my girlfriend and then fucked and dumped her. I would kill you if you weren’t my sister. I have nothing else to share. Any dark secrets from you babe?”

Lexa sighed. She should have figured this wouldn’t be so easy. Should have figured Cos would have told Luna.

Costia glared at the back of Luna’s head “I’m not a moron and don’t call me babe. Grow up, you act like you’re still in your early twenties, drinking all the time, disappearing all the time. Lexa didn’t steal our kids. Did you forget, it’s your fault Family Services wanted to take them. We had no choice but to let Lexa take them! You’re like a little kid. That’s why I broke up with you.”

Luna stood up and turned around to face them “It wasn’t my fucking fault. If that bitch hadn’t come over it never would have happened.”

Lexa’s eyes darted between Costia and Luna. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. It’s not even five minutes in and she’s lost control of the situation.

Costia put her hands on her hips. “So, that girl came over, forced you to get screwed up on drugs and leave Aden in the bathroom where he could reach your razor so he could cut himself?!”

Luna stalked over to get into Costia’s face “That razor was for me! It was mine! You know I had postpartum depression!”

Costia shouted back “It doesn’t matter! Aden, my baby,  _ our _ baby cut himself so badly because  _ you _ wanted to get high and left him on his own! For fucks sake! You still refuse to take responsibility for that! Like it’s all Lexa’s fault?! I hate you! I hate what you’ve done to us! That’s why I left you!”

Luna’s face was red with fury and she shoved Costia hard. Lexa was on her in a flash, restraining her. “Enough! I didn’t bring this up so we could argue about what happened” Luna kept struggling. “I wanted us to talk about what is  _ going _ to happen!”

Luna’s struggling stopped, she deflated, beginning to sob. “I hate myself too. I can’t control it. I get so angry, and so happy. I hate what happened and I hate being here..” Luna turned her head to try and look Lexa in the eyes. “They love you. I’m their mother and they love you. Everyone loves you.”

For the first time Lexa felt overwhelming empathy for her sister. Yeah it was Luna’s fault and her outlets were the cause of this. Lexa pondered how isolated Luna has been all this time, how it must have been difficult the few times she has, to step into this house where everything that she wanted was, but couldn’t have. To be openly rejected by her sister and her ex and occasionally her kids. To never feel as if she made good or right decisions. And she let Luna up. Softly she said “Let’s take a break. I need a cigarette after that and you look like you need one too Luna.” 

After everyone had caught their breath and tempers had evened out. Lexa dropped the bomb. “I can’t do this anymore. This needs to change. It’s fucking with you” she looked at Luna. “It’s fucking with you” she gazed at Costia. “And it’s fucking with me.”

Costia and Luna nodded their agreement. Lexa continued “We can’t keep doing things the way we have. I’ve been scared to do this. But I don’t think I have a choice anymore.”

Luna stared ahead, despair coloured her features. Costia’s expression was filled with dread as she asked “You’ve been scared to do what Lexa?”

Lexa took a deep breath more steadily than she felt, gave her ultimatum.

“I want both of you to sign Aden and Anya over to me. If you don’t, then they’re your responsibility Costia and you and Luna will have to figure things out.”


	18. Waves

Clarke walked into the classroom, surprised to find Aden already there playing the Three Doors Down - Be Like That. “Hey buddy.” she greeted. Aden’s playing stopped, and he asked “Can I just play today?” 

She cocked an eyebrow “Just play? What do you mean?” 

“I just want to play. I don’t want to practice.”

Clarke paused, and studied him. Aden had always had a hunger for learning new techniques or new songs. Today he held a disinterested far away look and she understood. He just wanted to play and get swept up in the act of playing. 

She gave him what she hoped was a soft smile “Sure thing.” He resumed his playing and Clarke had an idea, she picked up one of the school's spare guitars and made sure it was tuned before joining in with the second guitar part. As they played together she allowed Aden to lead, choosing whether to repeat a verse, or the chorus as he saw fit.

When Clarke’s alarm went off signalling the end of the session. Aden hung back and hesitantly asked “Can I come over after school?” 

“Only if it’s ok with your Aunt. I’ll ask her for you. Meet me out the front after school. If she says no, I’ll drop you and Anya off home.”

Aden nodded and waved as he left the classroom. Clarke bit her lip. It’s been a week since the cabin and she hasn’t had any contact with Lexa. Clarke hasn’t made an effort to contact her either. Feeling rather awkward she pulled out her phone.

**Clarke Griffin (13:30):** Aden just asked me if he could visit after school. Anya’s welcome too if it’s ok with you. If not I’ll drop them home for you.

**Lexa Woods (13:33):** That’s actually convenient. I have a few things I need to do this afternoon. What time do you need them picked up by?

**Clarke Griffin (13:34):** No rush. They’re welcome here.

**Lexa Woods (13:40):** I’ll text you when I’m on the way.

After rounding the kids up, she drove over to the park to let the kids play for a while. Aden was sitting near her doing his homework. Madi had a small stick and was waving it around chasing Anya screaming “Time to beat her with a stick!” Despite that there was no real effort to ‘beat Anya with a stick’ Anya was less than impressed as she ran away, red faced shouting back “I’m going to find a bigger stick!” 

Clarke sighed, thanks Bellamy. There was no doubt genetically Madi was Clarke’s daughter. In every other way she was Bellamy’s daughter. Inappropriate humour and all. She made a note to speak to Madi about ‘at home’ jokes in public.

She looked at the time, 5pm. Sighing again, she called the kids in deciding it was time they went home before beatings with sticks really happened. Besides it was time to organise dinner.

As soon as she unlocked and opened the door Anya rushed inside, jumping up and down on the couch. “Please stop Anya. You’ll break it if you keep jumping on it.” Clarke reprimanded as she prepared a homemade pizza. Anya ignored her. Clarke didn’t know what to do. If it were Madi she would have Madi help her with dinner. Or put her in time out for a few minutes. But Anya was not Madi and Anya was not her child. This is awkward.

“I’m going to tell Aunty if you don’t stop.” Came Aden’s soft voice. Miraculously Anya did stop and pouted “Dibber dobber.” 

When dinner was ready and everyone was at the table, Anya eyed her pizza slices with disgust “I don’t want this. There’s pineapple on here.” privately Clarke agreed. Pineapple should not go on pizza. But Madi loves pineapple. So Madi gets pineapple.

Clarke simply just said “Well that’s dinner.” What more could she do? Not satisfied with this answer, Anya started scream chanting “I want something else!” and flipped her plate over. Pizza toppings now all over her, the table and the floor.

Clarke stood up “Madi and Aden can you guys finish your dinner please while I clean up Anya?” She supposed she needn’t have asked. They were already stuffing their faces. Eyes wide in curiosity to see how Clarke would respond to Anya.

Clarke for her part picked up the screaming 7 year old and carried her to the bathroom stripping her down. Anya was in a fury, fighting every step of the way. Once she was bare, Clarke stood her in the shower and turned on the tap. The cold water shocked the girl and she started to cry.

When the shower was over, Clarke dressed her in an old shirt that looked huge on her, and took her to Madi’s room. She held onto Anya rocking her back and forth until the girl fell asleep.

Laying her down into Madi’s bed, Clarke headed out to the dining room table where Aden was teaching Madi how to play thumb wars. “Can you take a shower please Aden? I’ll give you an old shirt of mine to wear.” Aden nodded and left, Madi started helping to clear the table. When they were finished cleaning up after dinner Clarke went to check on Aden to find the bathroom empty, she saw he had laid down next to his sleeping sister, singing softly as he hugged her. The sight made Clarke melt. Aden was such a sweet kid.

She showered Madi and then pulled out her reader. Homework time.

“Mm- ye, Mm-eye. My! C-augh- uh. C-augh-uh-nn-tr-y” Madi tried sounding it out.

Clarke moved her finger under the words “That’s right, good job. That’s  _ my _ .” She moved her finger to the next word “The ‘o’ is silent. That means you don’t sound it out.” 

Madi nodded “C-uh-nn-teh. Cun-teh. Cunt. Cunt-ry. Country!” She exclaimed proudly. Clarke facepalmed herself. Jeez, how the hell did she miss that?

She glanced at the time again. 7:15. 

Where the hell is Lexa?


	19. Developments

It was 8:30pm by the time Lexa knocked on Clarke’ door. She was both physically and mentally exhausted. Her hair was a mess, her bottom lip was swollen and she had a trail of blood down to her chin that had dried. Her right eye was puffy and shiny, that showed obvious signs of bruising. Clarke gasped when she saw Lexa’s appearance. Despite her undeniable injuries though, Lexa eyes held a heartwarming joyful gleam that Clarke hasn’t seen since before their reunion.

Clarke stood aside and ushered Lexa in, guiding her to sit down on the couch. No words were spoken. No words were needed to be spoken. Clarke left the room. Lexa had read the concern in Clarke’s eyes and the down tilt of her mouth. She knew Clarke wasn’t going to let her speak or move until she had made sure Lexa was tended to. Lexa had been wrong. Perhaps there were still  _ some _ aspects of Clarke from back then.

Clarke returned with a bowl of water and a cloth gently kneeling down in front of Lexa swiping at Lexa’s chin working her way up to the injured lip. Her eyes roamed across Lexa’s features. Her jawline, her cheekbones and to her eyes that seemed to be watching Clarke intently. Clarke’s lips trembled. She broke eye contact and abruptly left the room again taking the bowl and cloth with her and returned with an ice pack, putting it in Lexa’s hand and needlessly guided it to Lexa’s swollen eye before letting go and hurriedly backing away and sitting on the other end of the couch feeling and she felt Lexa’s eyes follow her movement.

Clarke forced herself to reconnect with Lexa’s watchful eyes. “I don’t know if I’m assuming too much Lexa, but whatever is going on, on your side of the fence is trickling down to Aden and Anya. I’ve never seen Anya act like this before. She used my couch as a trampoline, ignored anything I said to her, and threw a temper tantrum over dinner so much she exhausted herself and fell asleep. Aden didn’t want to engage in his guitar session and barely said more than three sentences the entire night. Later he was in Madi’s room lying with Anya in bed singing to her. So I presume that their behaviour is related to this?” She gestured to Lexa’s battered appearance.

Lexa’s face was stoic as she considered Clarke’s words and her own response to them. She considered whether or not she would be repeating history’s mistakes by not telling her. But then again, the circumstances were different weren’t they? Against her own natural instincts Lexa took a deep breath.

“Things are chaotic at home.. I forced Luna and Costia to choose whether Costia would be solely responsible for them, or they would sign them over to me. Meaning they lose their parental rights, but it makes me their legal guardian.. Not just their carer.”

Clarke imagined that hadn’t gone over well but it explained a lot. She hesitated to ask, wondering if by receiving more information she was indirectly choosing to get involved. But thought that Lexa in spite of the obvious stressful situation looked more collected and for the first time showed that quiet confidence she used to possess.

She needn’t have asked. Lexa volunteered the answer. “I was helping Costia move her things to Luna’s. Costia will pick the kids up and take them to school in the mornings, She’ll have visitation on Saturday and Sunday afternoons when she finishes work. The kids aren’t allowed to sleep over due to Luna’s presence.”

“Anya and Aden are handling this better than I expected, but it’s a lot to take in. We didn’t really ask what they wanted… But we did talk to them and explained that this would be for the best. That Costia would still see and visit them, and so would Luna… Luna kind of threw me under the bus to them and said that it was my fault Costia was moving out. Anya’s been acting out ever since, and it’s always hard to tell what Aden is thinking… Luna kind of lost her temper at me when we were dropping off the last of Costia’s things. That’s why I took so long. I’m sorry Clarke but I couldn’t leave Costia there with Luna like that until she had calmed down. Luna is so unpredictable you never know what she’s going to do..Thank you for looking after them for me today.”

Clarke wasn’t sure what was appropriate to respond with. In one hand she felt reluctance and hesitancy to offer her opinion and to appear as if she were willing to get involved in any form. On the other hand she felt feelings arise that were comparable to graduating. Pride for Lexa, and a pull to support her through this transition. Lexa’s demeanor was already an improvement from the first time they locked eyes at the fundraiser.

She settled on the middle of the spectrum, and stood up in front of Lexa, offering her hand which she took and pulled Lexa up and hugged her. Lexa’s arms tightened around her, slightly trembling. Clarke whispered in her ear. “Give the kids time to adjust. I know that must have been hard for you.”

When they broke apart Lexa gave a side smile to Clarke. “Thank you again for today. I should probably go get them home. It’s getting late.”

Clarke looked at the clock thoughtfully. 9:10pm. She chewed her lip before responding. “Stay the night. You can take the couch. The twerps were obviously tired, no point in waking them. I did their laundry so they have clean clothes for tomorrow.”

Lexa nodded, and they set up the couch for her. There were no hugs of goodnight and no more words of appreciativeness or support when Clarke left for her bedroom. For the first time in years Lexa fell asleep with a feeling of satisfaction and a content smile on her face.


	20. Contradictions

Lexa yawned, wincing slightly from the pain in her lip and sat up. As she did, a male voice teases “Sleeping beauty arises.” Turning around she saw Clarke, Niylah and the children with two other adults she didn’t recognise, the man had shaggy hair with a boyish grin and the other a woman with light brown hair all sitting around the table looking at her.

“Sorry for waking you up to this, this is Bellamy and his wife Echo I actually met Niylah through them.” Clarke introduced. Bellamy continued to grin at Lexa making her shift uncomfortably. “We came over to pick Madi up and saw you sleeping. The Princess never has people over that I don’t know. So I just had to get to know you for myself.” He teased again. 

Princess? Lexa looked at Madi. Lexa was a bit bewildered, she had no idea what was going on. Clarke rolled her eyes smiling fondly. “That’s Bell’s nickname for me. Don’t ask.”

Wait? What? Lexa’s brain was slowly catching up as she realised with sudden awkwardness here she is in Clarke’s house, the ex girlfriend waking up where the father of Clarke’s child is and Clarke’s current girlfriend also is. However awkward she might have felt though, everyone at the table seemed to be at ease as if all of Clarke’s lovers/ex lovers weren’t in the same room.

Niylah seemed to pick up on Lexa’s anxiety. “Would you like a coffee Lexa? You could join us in our game too if you like.” and she realised they were all holding UNO cards. Before Lexa could answer, Anya piped up “I don’t want to play with her. She’s a meanie. She made mum go.”

Bellamy and Echo’s looked over to Aden and Madi to see their reaction. Niylah had an expression of pity and Clarke’s eyes darted between Anya and Lexa. 

Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat and avoided any eye contact. “No, thank you. It’s ok.” To her surprise, she saw in her peripheral vision Clarke place a hand on Anya’s shoulder and firmly guided her out of the room, calling out to Niylah to make Lexa a coffee and deal her a hand. 

Lexa stayed where she was. It was Aden who got up passing her, her cards and hugging her that prompted her to join them. Madi’s voice was small when she said “I like you Aunty Lexa, I hope you have fun with us.”

“Yeah, what the ugly child said. We don’t poke much, do we hun?” Bellamy asked Echo who replied in kind with “Only sometimes.” Niylah placed Lexa’s coffee in front of her and took her place at the table. “So who’s turn is it?”

The game was full of banter and love. When it had been her and Costia this was lacking. There had been a strict scheduled routine that they followed. The kids never wanted to play any board games or do things together with them. Aden either prefering to play his guitar or watch TV. Anya either with her dolls or the TV also.

She could also see what Clarke had seen in Bellamy, he was handsome, and charming in a boyish type of way. His odd humour appeared to be his trademark. Echo was on the quiet side. Only speaking if directly spoken to. Then there was Niylah who had always gone out of her way to be kind to Lexa, Anya and Aden. In their own ways they each tried to include Lexa and make her feel welcome. Even Aden was smiling and speaking more. She wondered if Clarke told them about her would they treat them the same way.

When Clarke entered the room, she bent over whispering something in Bellamy’s ear and he nodded. Clearing his throat “Time to get your bag munchkin, it’s time to jet. Niylah would you like to join my harem and come for dinner?” Aden interrupted and asked “Aunty, what’s a harem?” 

Lexa glared at Bellamy who responded with a toothy smile. Echo rolled her eyes. Clarke looked as flustered as Lexa felt about the question. It was Niylah who saved her. “Well Aden, it means that there’s a group of people who are all good friends, mostly made up of girls. There’s only one boy in the group. So Bellamy is the only boy. The rest of us, Echo, Madi and me are girls.” Aden opened his mouth to no doubt ask another question but Clarke beat him to it “Ok, off you troublemakers go!”

When they left, Clarke took Aden out of the room promising to show him something, leaving Lexa by herself uncomfortably. A few moments later Anya came in approaching her and Anya’s demeanor was subdued. Then she jumped on Lexa, clinging to her as if her life depended on it. Heart wrenching sobs exploded out of her. “I don’t want you. I want you and mum. I don’t want mum to go. I don’t want things to be different!”

Lexa didn’t know how to respond, her heart broke for Anya and Aden. There was no way they could understand the circumstances at this age. She wished she could have avoided this for them. She had  _ tried _ to for so long. But Lexa was losing her mind. If she hadn’t forced Luna and Costia to decide, she wouldn’t have been fit to care for them herself. Lexa stroked the girls hair and rocked her gently, pressing her lips to her head hoping Anya would feel the love and sorrow in her actions.

It was awfully suspicious that Clarke and Aden made their appearance after Anya had calmed down but remained hugging her. Internally Lexa was grateful for the privacy given to them. Aden smiled brightly “Look what Clarke gave me!” He held an item in each hand. if she hadn’t seen Clarke use one of the items a hundred times she might not have known what it was. “This is a guitar capo!” He held up the other hand with the item she couldn’t recognise “This is a guitar pickup! It’ll make my guitar sound like an electric guitar! Can we go home?! I wanna try it!” 

Lexa looked down at Anya, seeing that she could use a nap after that emotional episode and nodded at Aden. “I hope you used your manners and said thanks.” Aden returned the nod and hugged Clarke who had stood beside him with a faint smile. “ Go get in the car please. I’ll be out in a minute.”

Now with just the two of them, Lexa stood up and felt as uncomfortable as she did when she first awoke “I’m sorry, and thank you for yesterday and today.” 

Clarke’s expression was devoid of any of the good natured humour from earlier as she replied seriously “They’re good kids. Keep in mind, adjustment period. They love you more than they know themselves. You’ll all be ok.” Lexa shifted and nodded. 

“Play date later in the week?” She diverted. 

Clarke nodded “Let me know when it suits you. You have a lot going on. Madi will be here.”

Lexa locked eyes with her. “Will you be here?”

Clarke averted hers “Madi will be here.”


	21. Admissions

When Lexa rolled over sluggishly and turned the alarm on her phone off. She blinked.

**Clarke Griffin (2:51):** I’ll be here too.

She spent the morning pottering around the house after failing to convince Anya or Aden into spending some quality time with her. They were excited to see Costia. She couldn’t blame them. She also tried not to take Anya’s words and behaviour personally. But they still stung.

Costia arrived earlier than expected and after an awkward swap over, the kids bounded off without so much as a goodbye. Lexa collapsed on the couch and the silence settled over her. For the first time she was alone in the house. The doorbell chimed. Apparently not for long she thought dryly.

Opening the door she was speechless to find Clarke standing there, she looked like she hadn’t slept a wink. Her hands were clenched into fists and an intense look of frustration on her face. “Can I come in?” The question was asked softly that opposed the stiffness of her body language. Still surprised to see Clarke here, by herself without the kids as a reason Lexa only nodded opening the door wider.

Clarked stepped in, closing the door firmly behind her. Her beautiful blue eyes piercing into Lexa’s own green ones. Clarke took a step towards Lexa, and another until she was in Lexa’s personal space. 

Lexa took a step back not knowing what was happening. 

Clarke took another step closer.

“Clarke?”

Another step was taken.

Their faces were so close, she could feel Clarke’s breath on her skin. Clarke’s pupils were dilated.

“You are so infuriating Lexa Woods.” It was a whisper. “You hurt me, but I get it. I get why, and I feel bad for you. I want to help you. I find reasons in Aden to see you, speak to you. I want to be there for you.” It was almost as if she were speaking to herself.

“Clarke..”

“I can’t help it.” Came the quiet admission. “You were a mess Lexa, but you’re trying so hard. So hard for them. You are so amazing, and I can’t stop thinking about what if?” 

Lexa was dazed by Clarke’s words. What had changed? All this time Clarke had drawn an invisible line with her. Making it clear Clarke’s only interest was Madi. Now she shows up unannounced with this bombshell? She didn’t know what to think. But she was able to breathe easier. She felt lighter.

“What am I going to do with you Lexa?” 

“Clarke, is everything ok?”

Clarke seemed to ignore the question as she raised her hand and gently traced the bruising on her face.

“You’re here. And it’s so difficult to stay angry at you when you’re doing all the right things. I was so upset with Anya for treating you that way. She’s a child. I understand, but you were so hurt by her.” Her hand trailed down Lexa’s face and her thumb brushed the cut on her lip.

“When you went home I realised I was hurting you too. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” and she pressed her lips to Lexa’s cheek.

Lexa felt tears of hope run down her face and she wrapped her arms around Clarke hugging her tightly. “I’m ok Clarke. Everything will be ok.” she reassured. Clarke’s shoulders began to shake. “I’m sorry Lexa.”

Lexa let Clarke go but didn’t move away. “Play me a song? You can borrow Aden’s guitar.”

Clarke nodded, when she settled with the guitar in place, she gave Lexa a weak watery smile “This is so cliche but there’s only one song that I can think of.”

As Clarke played the introduction Lexa was taken back to when she drove to the cabin and saw her playing then. Sitting on a fallen log with the sun in her hair. It had been apparent Clarke had spoken true in saying that she had stopped playing. But very little had been comparable to the beauty of her face lacking the usual resentment and tension she had started to associate with Clarke.

Lexa’s memory was broken by Clarke beginning to sing.

_ The hurt is washed away, but still here I am, _ _   
_ _ In the middle of it all, with heavy hands, _ _   
_ _ And I try so hard, yea, just to leave behind me, _ _   
_ _ All the chains that bind me.  _

_ I won't back down, won't turn my head around, _ _   
_ _ Quick, take a recess, oops, take another breath, _ _   
_ _ Guess who, who's you, better take another crew, _ _   
_ _ Find out, all about, just don't doubt, just don't doubt, _

_ And I won't be lost in these watered down dreams, _ _   
_ _ That surround me, I won't be caught up in the moment of the day, yeah _

Lexa came to the realisation that Clarke had lied to her all this time. The Clarke she knew from seven years ago spoke with her words and expressions.

This Clarke didn’t speak with her words. She spoke with her actions. All of Clarke’s words contradicted her actions. Clarke said repeatedly she wouldn’t cut ties with her because of the kids' friendships. 

But she didn’t have to stay late that afternoon with Aden and Anya when she was late to pick them up. Clarke could have chosen to call or message Lexa the day she helped Costia move her things. Clarke didn’t have to tend to Lexa’s injuries or invite her to stay the night, she didn’t have to deal with Anya yesterday.

It hit her like a sledgehammer. 

Clarke cared.


	22. Not Alone

“What are you going to do about Anya and Aden?” Clarke asked uncomfortably. She had no idea if she was stepping over any boundaries or if she was coming across as questioning Lexa’s parenting skills. That was never taken kindly. Lexa took Clarke’s guitar out of her hands and placed it on an empty guitar stand and she sat down next to her.

“I don’t know.” For Lexa as a child her mother neglecting them had been normal for her. So it was something she never had to adjust to. Lexa also wasn’t the most nurturing person, with her focus tending to be on what needed to be done, and often not factoring into account that how it was done was just as important. 

She wondered what she was going to do. Her first three days with Costia out of the house and she spent two of them at Clarkes, and Cos has the kids today. She hasn’t experienced one day with the kids on her own yet.

She needed a plan. Without Costia in the house and signing them over, sole financial responsibility fell onto her. A part time job at a cafe was not going to cover her small family. Then as Clarke pointed out there was Aden and Anya. Anya’s resentment of Lexa and opposition to the change will be a challenge to deal with and she had no idea how to nurture Anya through this. Aden wasn’t acting out but he was almost always hiding in his room now if his requests to go to Clarkes were denied.

“I have no idea what I’m doing Clarke. I need a better job. But that means I need to be able to afford child care until I can find a better job with more suitable hours. I can’t really let Anya keep acting the way she is and I don’t want to take away her need to express herself..”

Clarke placed a hand on Lexa’s leg to get her attention and looked her in the eyes. “I wouldn’t worry about childcare if I were you.” Lexa tilted her head to the side in confusion and Clarke continued “Lexa you daft person. Aden and Anya are always welcome here. I told you a hundred times already.”

Lexa chewed on her lip thoughtfully. It would be very convenient. But she didn’t want to be Clarke’s charity case nor did she want to put Clarke out. She also didn’t want to ruin whatever turning point her and Clarke have seemingly come to.

Clarke rolled her eyes. Some things never change. “Lexa Woods. Stop over thinking this. You need a babysitter. Madi loves Aden and Anya. I love Aden and Anya. So I’ll take care of them after school until you knock off work.” She asserted.

“What about Niylah?” Lexa questioned. 

“What about Niylah?” Clarke questioned back.

“Would she be alright with this?”

Clarke scoffed. “I don’t see why she wouldn’t be. Besides, I don’t need to ask my friend for permission to babysit another friends' children.”

That got Lexa’s curiosity running. “Friend? I thought you two were together?”

Clarke smiled wryly. “I’m a dismal failure at relationships. She apparently was aware I friendzoned her before I knew I friendzoned her.”

Huh. Interesting. It occurred to her that up until yesterday that Lexa hadn’t really gotten a glimpse of Clarke’s life. Clarke knew all about hers. She chewed her lip again.

“Besides,” Clarke continued. “I’m not really relationship material at the moment. I’m a freaking mess if you haven’t been able to tell.” 

Lexa had noticed. Despite her epiphany that Clarke does in fact care about her and Clarke’s push and pull with her. She shook her head. “No you’re not. You’re just fighting your own battles.”

“How diplomatic.” 

“I try.”

Lexa paused before awkwardly asserting “I’ll pay you for looking after the kids.. It won’t be much but I’ll give you what I can.” Lexa stated.

“Lexa Woods, stop talking. I don’t want your money. I told you earlier I want to help.” Clarke sighed and softened her tone. “You won’t have money to pay me. This isn’t a business transaction Lexa. It’s not about me doing this for you, so you have to do that for me.. This is me trying to be a friend. Your friend and their friend..”

Friend? Lexa contemplated Clarke’s words. It’s been a long time since Lexa had any ‘friends’. She would have considered Costia her  _ only _ friend up until recent events but Costia’s friendship came at a price. Clarke’s apparent change of attitude, while welcomed, was unexpected and just as confusing as everything else. Did Clarke’s close friendship also come with a price?

She decided to take the chance not that she had much of a choice, and conceded. “Ok, I’m sorry. You won’t have to babysit them this week.. I’ll look for a new job while they’re in class.”

Clarke squeezed Lexa’s thigh and gave a pleased nod. Clarke’s day had been an emotional rollercoaster. She hadn’t been able to sleep all night. Her mind had played the memory of Lexa’s fallen face at Anya’s words. The look of sadness in Lexa’s eyes as Clarke reasserted that she was only involved because of the kids.

She had been trying to cling on to her resentment for the way Lexa left as a form of self preservation. Clarke hasn’t let herself be truly vulnerable emotionally since she was with her. But that reluctance had been shattered in the last week seeing the efforts and changes Lexa has made with her life and herself.

Clarke will always love Lexa in some way. She wondered if anyone ever truly forgot their first love. 

Then she felt a need that couldn’t be ignored, to go to her and let her know she wasn’t alone. That Clarke was no longer bitter towards her.

When she had done that all the pressure and tension inside of her had drained. Clarke hadn’t realised how much she was making herself tightly strung by holding onto those negative emotions.

She decided it was time to take her leave. She was tired and she also had to organise some lesson plans for the week. Lexa took Clarke’s queue and stood up as she did. Clarke gave Lexa a meaningful look before reaffirming “You’ll get through this. If you need help call me, I’ll do what I can.”


	23. Reactions & Reflections

Lexa flopped down on her bed. Exhaustion and helplessness seeped deep into her bones. The last few days with the kids have taught her one thing. Children are such selfish creatures.

She knew she wasn’t being fair with that conclusion. They had yet to develop the maturity to think beyond themselves to realise that Costia’s absence in the house affected more than just them.

Anya’s behaviour was getting worrisome. She had begun to express a deep love for Lexa, demanding her constant attention and time. Then at a drop of a hat, expressing an uncontrollable rage when Lexa were in situations she was forced to multitask. Lexa felt as if she weren’t allowed to cook dinner, or offer to help Aden with his homework due to Anya’s reactions. It almost seemed like the saying ‘bad attention is better than none.’ and it had to be on Anya’s terms only.

Aden had become more withdrawn. Hardly being seen after school outside of meal times. He dismisses Lexa’s attempts to engage with him. Making statements like he wants to read a book, or he wants to go to his room and practice his guitar. At the dinner table he answers in one or two worded answers.  _ What did you do in school? _ The answer she would get is  _ ‘Stuff’ _ . Question the word ‘stuff’? And it’s replaced with ‘ _ things _ ’.

Lexa herself also missed Costia in the house. She missed her reassuring words and comfort of presence. Even if Costia were reluctant to have the final say in decisions and discipline, she had never hesitated to provide Lexa with an ear to bounce things off and encouraging words that always ended up giving Lexa the confidence and a general direction to head towards.

She growled at herself. It hadn’t occurred to her how much she had relied on Costia. Not only for the emotional comfort but also the daily routine of the house. Lexa was tired. Costia’s absence meant that Lexa was forced to get up and get the kids ready for school. The housework strictly fell on to her. She spent the last few days they were at school job searching with little luck. Then she picks them up, and tries to meet both their needs and feeling like she’s failing spectacularly before putting them to bed.

Lexa imagined that this would be something akin to someone moving out of their childhood home for the first time and being confronted with the reality that there’s no one else but that person to take care of the daily needs. Only with Lexa she was trying to balance out three personalities, and three reactions to a magnitude of changes. 

With all that had been occurring there were some silver linings. On Monday Aden had come home with a decent sized container of shepherd's pie simply saying “Miss C said 10minutes in the microwave on low to warm it.” Today he had come home with one of her favourite books - Terry Goodkind’s Faith of the Fallen. An inscription had been written in familiar handwriting that said  _ Selfcare _ . Clarke’s consideration touched her deeply. Despite that though, Lexa hasn’t taken Clarke up on her offer of calling if she needed anything.

She’s almost skittish at the very thought of Clarke dropping her aloof and cold demeanor. When Clarke could barely look at her, Lexa couldn’t help but attempt to approach and reach out to her. Now that Clarke was open to having some sort of interpersonal relationship with her, she was lost and didn’t know how to take those steps towards her. She supposed everything would fall into place one way or another in that regard.

Lexa thought back to the day Clarke made her unannounced visit. It had been so relieving in a way to have Clarke forgive her. Almost like taking a much needed breath after holding the previous one in for too long. So used to Clarke’s hardened glint in her eyes and the firm set of her mouth that the empathetic tenderness and the soft press of lips to her cheek had rendered Lexa helpless. 

She clenched her jaw at her own thoughts to everything. Old habits were easy traps to fall into. She was becoming reactive again. Until Costia had moved out Lexa’s life had been a sequence of motions that were reactions to the decisions that everyone else around her made. Luna’s unhealthy coping mechanisms, Costia’s insecurities at the idea of being a single parent and Clarke’s reappearance. Lexa needed to take control, She had tackled the Luna/Costia issue, or at least lessened them as an issue, as her first step. But she had lost control with Anya and Aden. Boundaries and expectations needed to be made clear. A set structure and routine should help ease their own insecurities. 

Lexa got out of bed, and grabbed some printing paper and a pencil and began to jot down systems she planned to implement in the household. A chore roster with a reward of $10 pocket money at the end of the week. A list of rules. A rough daily schedule for homework, play, chore and dinner time. 

Her alarm went off signalling time to start getting the kids ready and dressed for school. For as tired as she was, she felt secure in having a game plan. She hoped despite knowing that it wasn’t likey, that Aden and Anya would be willing to try it out.

Trial and error right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait on an update. Sorry also that it was a short update.
> 
> I stuck my hand in a metal ceiling fan over the weekend (accidently of course), so it's really sore. So my updates may not be as frequent as they have been in the past until my hand heals.


	24. Love is Complicated

It was the end of the week, and Clarke pulled into Lexa’s driveway and unstrapped Madi from her carseat. Lexa had invited them both over for dinner. They hadn’t even gotten to the front door and they could hear a loud bang, and the sound of Anya crying. Madi hugged Clarke’s leg and said worriedly “Did she hurt herself?” 

Clarke knelt down in front of her, looking her in the eyes to make sure she understood “I’ll make sure everyone is ok Madi. When we go inside, I want you to go find Aden. He’s probably in his room. Stay with him please. Ok baby?”

Madi nodded, her expression hesitant and Clarke tested the front door. It was unlocked so she let themselves in. Madi dashed off towards Aden’s room and Clarke observed the scene before her.

Anya was wailing “I don’t like you! You can’t make me!” and her face bright red and her eyes filled with resentment. Laying near her on the floor face down and body crushed was Aden’s guitar. Lexa was crouched a few feet away. Her hair pulled into a messy ponytail, lips pulled in a grimace.

Clarke scowled at the scene. Yes, Anya was a child. Yes, she’s having to adapt to a pretty big change in her life. But Clarke will be damned if she watches a 7 year old child scream at Lexa, the woman who has done everything for her and her brother. Anya is far from being Lexa’s equal and Clarke won’t tolerate her bullying Lexa in front of her.

They both seemed oblivious to Clarke’s entrance into their home as she strode tensely towards the screaming child and lifted her up. Anya’s arms and legs flailed and Lexa looked like she was going to say something before Clarke interrupted her and using a tone of voice she hadn’t used in years said “Lexa, go take a breather. Check on the other two, I won’t hurt her. I promise.”

Lexa's expression shifted to surprise, then to uncertainty. But reluctantly nodding her head as she passed by Clarke and Anya she murmured to the kid “I love you. Even if you don’t like me.” Good intentions with the statement, but the result was not so good. The sentence seemed to throw more fuel into Anya’s fire and her limbs swung more violently and her screaming increased in volume.

Clarke tightened her grip more firmly and carried her to the couch, maneuvering Anya so that her back was to Clarke’s chest. Clarke managed to hold each of Anya’s hands in her own and crossed them over her chest and held them there steady as she rocked both their bodys slowly back and forth in a gentle rhythm as she hummed to the girl.

It didn’t take long before Anya’s fire started to dwindle. Clarke continued to hold her in place and continued the gentle rocking and asked her “Why are you so upset?”

Hiccupping Anya answered “Because she’s mean. She makes me do things I don’t want to do and I’m always in trouble and because she made mummy leave.”

Shifting so that Anya was on the couch and Clarke was kneeling in front of her. “What things does she make you do?”

“Clean my room and put my clothes away and makes me make sandwiches.” She complained as all children do about chores.

Clarke silently prays Madi never goes through this phase and gently responded with “It sounds like she’s trying to help you. Does she make Aden do this as well?”

Anya continued to scowl “Yes, she makes us do everything!”

Clarke forced her expression to remain empathetic and repeats. “Sounds like to me she’s trying to help you because she loves you.” Anya looked like she was about to cut in, but Clarke continued “She wants you to keep your room clean, so you don’t get sick. She wants you to put your clothes away so they don’t get dirty so you can have clean clothes. Maybe you’re too little to cook but making a sandwich is something you could do if she’s busy with something else?”

Anya looked thoughtful but her mouth remained stubborn “But she made mummy leave. If she loved me she would let mummy stay.”

Clarke sighed internally. It wasn’t her place to explain to Anya the truth of the matter. She was probably overstepping boundaries right now. “Do you know how much love is in a heart?” She placed her hand on Anya’s heart as the girl said “Lots.”

“Mmm. That’s right. She murmured her agreement. “I used to know your Aunt a long time ago. Your Aunt had a big heart then and it got even bigger when she came here for you and your brother. Sometimes we forget our hearts hurt too, and the bigger our heart is, the more we hurt. And we forget the people who love us can hurt just like you or me.”

“Did Aunty hurt you too Clarke?” came the innocent question. One Clarke wasn’t ready for. One that Clarke paused to think about and how to answer honestly without revealing too much.

She took a breath and said gently “Sometimes our hearts are so big we hurt the ones we love. Because we’re trying to protect them and help them. She tried to love me by saving me from something and it hurt. I didn’t know it then. But I know now. And she’s trying to love you by teaching you to clean your room and make sandwiches. Your Aunty does more than just make sure you eat and go to school. She also tries to teach you to do things for yourself. There’s no people she loves more than you and your brother. So maybe we should try and be more kind to her.”

Anya’s tone softened and she asked “If she loves everyone. Who loves her?”

Clarke shifted. “Love is a feeling in your heart. Love makes us want to do things for people we care about.”

Anya didn’t budge “But who loves her too?”

Clarke pointed to Anya questioningly, the child nodded. Slowly Clarke twisted her wrist so her finger was pointing to herself.

“And me!” Aden piped up

“Me too!” Madi joined in.

Clarke looked up and froze. Lexa was leaning against the entrance to the living room with Aden and Madi’s head poking out from behind her.

How much did Lexa hear?


	25. Love Is Complicated - Part 2

Lexa was having a hell of a day. She had invited Clarke and Madi over for dinner as a gesture of appreciation for the backseat support Clarke had been giving through Aden. She wasn’t supposed to have the kids, but Costia had cancelled explaining Luna wanted her to go to an AA meeting with her. Lexa supposed it was a good thing for Luna personally even though she knew hell would be raised with Anya once she broke the news. She had hoped that the blow would somewhat be softened by announcing Clarke and Madi’s visit.

Anya had looked sullen but the trigger point for her seemed to be when Lexa had requested that they put their clothes away that she folded earlier. The fire that lit under Anya had been explosive and she had lashed out, knocking over Aden’s guitar and jumped on it, breaking it, defiance blazed in her eyes. For the first time Aden had shown open anger. His eyes hardened and he snarled in fury and shoved Anya hard enough she stumbled back tripping over the broken instrument and she let out a howl of anger.

“Aden!” Lexa shouted, gaining his attention “Go to your room please. Let me handle your sister. We’ll figure out your guitar. But please, let me calm your sister.” Anya had gotten to her feet when Aden stormed out of the room. 

Lexa made her way forward towards Anya but Anya backed away. So Lexa knelt down trying to appear as unthreatening as possible and held out her arms as a gesture of a hug “I don’t want to fight with you Ahn. Can we calm down?” Anya’s brown angry eyes stayed locked on Lexa’s pleading green eyes. The girl didn’t move. Lexa lowered her arms and waited. Anya’s shrill voice rang out “I don’t like you! You can’t make me!”

It stung. No matter how many times Anya said it and even though Lexa knew it wasn’t true it didn’t take away the sting from the words. As Lexa tried to figure out a way to handle this, she was taken off guard as Clarke stormed into her field of vision and lifted Anya up. She looked like she was going to kill the kid. 

Lexa opened her mouth not really sure what she was going to say. She knew Anya was safe with Clarke, it was more that she didn’t want to escalate Anya’s emotional stage. But at this point she was practically spitting. Clarke locked eyes with her briefly “Lexa, go take a breather. Check on the other two, I won’t hurt her. I promise.”

On her way past Anya and Clarke, she said “I love you. Even if you don’t like me.” Lexa hoped that Anya could hear her sorrow, apology and acceptance of the child's feelings. She didn’t want to dismiss the way Anya perceived everything. Her lack of understanding and acceptance didn’t make her feelings or thoughts any less important. Unfortunately her statement had the opposite effect and she could hear Anya’s outrage as she turned the corner and entered Aden’s room. 

The sight that she was met with was both sad and sweet. Aden was laying face down on his bed, crying into his pillow, Madi was sitting cross legged next to him, patting his back asking “Are you ok? Can I help?”

Lexa sat down on the edge of the bed next to Madi and placed her hand on his lower back. “Aden said Anya broke his guitar, she’s not very nice.” the girl informed her.

Lexa nodded sadly at Madi, “She’s just upset Madi. It doesn’t make it right, but your mum is with her now.” Then to Aden she said “I’m sorry that happened, Aden. I’ll get you a new one. I promise. I know you’re upset, and it’s ok to feel upset, but it wasn’t ok for you to push your sister.” 

“But she broke my guitar!” He retorted.

Lexa rubbed his lower back in a soothing circle and repeated softly “She wasn’t right either. Just because we’re upset doesn’t make it right. You are right to  _ feel _ upset. But it’s not right to break things or hurt people. Hurting people because they hurt us ends up with everyone being hurt. We have to live together. So we have to find a way to get along with each other.”

“But she doesn’t want to get along!”

Lexa held onto Aden’s hand giving a gentle tug so he was sitting up. Looking into his eyes, although her mind flashed to her sisters drinking and drug abuse, to her night with Costia then to the cold shoulder and unexpected support Clarke has been giving. 

“People don't do very good things when they feel really bad, and sometimes we should help them instead of hurt them. When we don’t know how to handle the things we feel, we stay in a really bad place. And we don’t want Anya to stay in a bad place do we?”

“No! What makes Anya happy?” Madi asked

Aden sniffed, wrapping his arms around Lexa. Made turned and wrapped her arms around both of them. Aden said “I wish everyone was happy all the time.”

“Me too, me too.” Lexa said sadly. “We’ll get you a new guitar.”

Madi got off the bed, her patience for sitting down had run out. Aden let go of Lexa, and Lexa took note that it seemed quiet in the house. Placing her fingers to her lips with a soft “Shhh” to the kids, she got up and quietly left the room.

The sound of Clarke’s and Anya’s voices could be heard.

Clarke was saying “ _ -we forget the people who love us can hurt just like you or me. _ ”

Lexa listened with a twisted feeling in her gut, waiting for Clarke’s answer to Anya questioning if Lexa had ever hurt her. Lexa knew she hurt Clarke. Clarke made it abundantly clear. She didn’t regret choosing to raise the kids. But she felt remorse and regret for how the events caused Clarke to feel and the situation it put Clarke in at the time. She expected Clarke to vocalise her empathy towards Anya in the fact that she has indeed hurt her.

Instead Clarke gave a compassionate, and empathetic response for Lexa’s standpoint, and her plea for Anya to be nicer to her left Lexa with an overpowering feeling of affection and appreciation. Lexa was left breathless so much that she leaned against the doorway. 

Lexa was even more surprised when Anya questioned anyone caring for her.

Clarke really was amazing. Not only had she calmed Anya down before the girl wore herself out. Clarke also managed to appeal to Anya to be aware of more than just herself.

For the first time in so long Lexa wasn’t crushed with the feeling of responsibility and alienation. She didn’t feel alone.

She watched intently and she felt tears well up in her eyes when Clarke lifted her finger to touch Anya’s chest. Then move her finger to touch her own chest. A thousand thoughts ran through her. But the moment was broken with Madi and Aden unexpectedly scaring the shit out of her by voicing their own love for her causing Clarke to jerk her head in their direction.

Clarke moved to stand, holding herself awkwardly. Lexa felt like she was having an out of body experience and she found herself clinging to Clarke. Her head buried into her shoulder.

Lexa could breathe again. Physically and metaphorically.


	26. Paradox

Dinner went smoothly, well as smoothly as one could hope considering the circumstances. Aden was sullen, refusing to acknowledge his sister. Anya was trying to keep Clarke’s attention, finding anything to talk to her about as if her earlier tantrum had never occured. Madi hovered over Lexa. 

Lexa was quite perplexed. She had no idea how to handle a 5 year old trying to mother hen her. She was completely touched by the kid's kindness. Madi had gotten up twice to fill Lexa’s cup up with water from the dispenser, and vocalised her observations that “Aunt Lexa’s eyes are big and red.”, she also got up repeatedly to hug Lexa and ask if she was ok. Clarke’s eyes shined with pride at her daughter's caring nature while she listened to Anya chattering.

After some time, dinner and dishes were finished, which to Lexa's astonishment Anya insisted on helping with the dishes. All three children were huddled onto the couch watching the first Croods movie while Lexa and Clarke sat at the table. Lexa was nervous. Clarke had been staring at her as if she were a complex puzzle to figure out. Her eyes narrowed, and she was biting her lip.

“Are you alright?” Lexa asked unsurely. 

“Mmm.” Was the vague reply followed by “We should probably get going soon.”

Lexa cleared her throat and swallowed. She didn’t want Clarke to leave. “It’s Saturday night, the kids seemed to be enjoying themselves for the moment, why don’t you guys sleep over?”

“Mmm, we’ll see.” Came the uncommitted response.

The decision was made for her. Before the movie had finished, both Anya and Madi had fallen asleep only Aden stayed up for the end. Clarke and Lexa carried both girls to Anya’s bed. When Aden had come to say goodnight, Clarke looked at Lexa again and then addressed the boy. “Lexa, can Aden hold on a minute before you send him to bed?” Lexa granted her permission and Clarke stood up gesturing to Aden to follow her and they went outside. A few minutes later they returned with him holding onto Clarke’s guitar. Not just any of Clarke’s guitars but the one Lexa gave her.

Lexa’s went completely dry. Aden confirmed what Lexa had already pieced together “Look! She said I could take care of hers for a while!”.

Clarke spoke up “Aden, your Aunt gave me that many years ago. It’s very, very special to me. So be careful with it please?”

“I promise!” He vowed enthusiastically. 

Lexa forced a smile at him and gave a weak thumbs up and he bounced to his room with it, and she called out “Bedtime Aden! You can play with it tomorrow!” She swallowed hard. The kindness in the gesture to Aden brought about intense feelings of rejection and isolation to her. So she said the only thing she could think of. “Why Clarke?”

Clarke was confused, she thought she had helped at least temporarily. Aden’s guitar was broken and needed to be replaced so she loaned him hers so he could practice with and as a way to deal with his own feelings of things going on. But Lexa looked like she had been struck in the face. 

“Lex, what do you mean why?”

“Why that guitar Clarke, why not any of your other ones?”  _ Am I too much of a mess for you? Is this too hard for you? _ Came through loud and clear.

The lightbulb switched on for Clarke, and she gently placed her hand on Lexa’s arm and silently asked her to stand. When they stood face to face, Clarke searched her eyes and apologetically said “Lex, I didn’t mean it like that.. I promise you. It was the only one I had in the car. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I wasn’t giving it to him.. Just letting him borrow it until he can get a new one. I can bring one of my others tomorrow instead.” 

As if to enforce her words, Clarke held onto Lexa’s hand and faced it upwards, and her other hand went into her pocket, and she dropped something into the palm of Lexa’s hand. 

Lexa didn’t need to look to know what it was. She would always recognise it’s feel and relish in the comfort it had provided her over the years. The necklace she had left on the cabin table. Wordlessly she clasped it around her neck. She had missed the feel and weight of it, and she was overcome with the significance of it’s return.

In that moment in time Lexa wasn’t Lexa who left Clarke for two children.

In that moment to Lexa, Clarke wasn’t Clarke who had a child of her own.

In that moment all Lexa was proprolled to do was show Clarke how much she felt about her.

Lexa stepped into Clarke’s personal space. Green eyes searching for something in Clarke’s sky blue eyes. 

“Lex..” Came Clarke’s wavering warning.

Lexa found lots of things in Clarke’s eyes. She found caution, hurt, understanding and then hidden underneath those things, she found affection and longing. But Clarke’s eyes held no conviction for the hesitant warning tone she vocalised.

Clarke stepped back, bumping into the table behind her. Lexa took a bigger step into Clarke’s personal space again. She closed her eyes and briefly basked in the scent of Clarke, the familiarity of her body heat. Her hands went to the blonde's waist, pulling her flush against her. 

“Lex.. Please..” The tone was still of slight reluctance but, she was now breathless.

Lexa opened her eyes to find Clarke’s dilated ones.

“Please, what Clarke?” She whispered.


	27. Honest Interactions

_ Please, what Clarke? _

That indeed was the question. Lexa was giving Clarke the choice. Clarke cursed herself. She always was a sucker for Lexa’s expressive eyes which were now smoldering with love and arousal.

There was no doubt Clarke herself was aroused. She bet the brunette knew without question how wet she was. This would be so easy, and so very, very messy. This wasn’t a smart situation to be in at all.

The hands on her waist trembled and Lexa’s brought her face even closer so that the blonde could feel her breath against her ear. “Please, what Clarke?” she repeated in a low voice causing the blondes own breath to hitch.

_ Please don’t. Please do. Please what? _

Clarke leaned her head back and held on to Lexa’s face, gently guiding her back so she could look into those green eyes. Lexa seemed to gather herself and understood. The brunette took a half step back. “Too much too fast?” She murmured. 

Clarke brushed her thumb along Lexa’s cheek, hoping that she would be able to convey what was going on inside her, and she said just as quietly. “It’s not that I don’t care about you.. I wish you would kiss and fuck the hell out of me right now.. But, I told you I wasn’t able to be in a relationship right now. And you have too much you need to figure out too.. If we were to do this, it would only be this.. We wouldn’t be able to have what we used to.. We’re not ready for that. Maybe someday. But that’s not today.”

“Do you love me Clarke?”

“I think in some way I always will.”

“You know that’s not what I meant.” Lexa prompted.

“I don’t know the answer. It’s not that simple Lexa.”

“Are you still mad at me?”

Lexa seemed desperate for something to grasp on to. It seemed surreal. Their roles were truly reversed. 7 years ago it would be Clarke trying to seek reassurance and was confident in what she wanted and how she felt.

“No,” She replied gently “I just don’t think i’m ready, and I don’t think you’re ready, and I’m not sure that this would be for the right reasons.”

Lexa sighed, and leaned against the table next to Clarke. “There was rarely a time I didn’t think about you.” She wasn’t begging. Just honestly speaking her mind. “I used to ask myself what would you do? I would imagine what you would say to me when I felt like I was going crazy. Thank you, for giving it back to me.” She reached up and revelled in the necklaces familiarity.

Clarke chuckled, and the brunette turned her head to face her in confusion. 

“I’m sorry Lex, I wasn’t laughing at you. I was laughing at irony. The day you showed up at the cabin I swear my first thought was the possibility of fashioning a little Lexa voodoo doll and poking it in the eyes. Now less than a month later i’m really happy that I was able to comfort you in some way even if I wasn’t there.”

Lexa grinned, “It’s amazing how things can change so much, and yet still stay the same. I didn’t recognise you the night I saw you dancing. But I still thought you were just as beautiful. The short hair suits you. It makes your eyes stand out. When we started talking again there were times I found it difficult to associate you with who I remembered.”

Clarke turned her body, so that her hip was leaning on the table, there was a shine in her eyes that Lexa had missed. “I’m not the only one who’s changed. You were never this… open with how you feel.”

Lexa let out a deep breath “Clarke, I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to pressure you. As I said back at the cabin, I never stopped loving you. I never stopped wanting you.”

“I didn’t feel pressured. I’m sorry if I’m confusing you. I just don’t think it’s the right time.” It was said as gently as possible. 

The brunette turned to the blonde, and asked impishly “Can I have a hug?”

Clarke gave a soft smile and wrapped her arms around her. “I’m glad you’re in my life again. I’ve missed you. I forgot how much of a softy you could be when you wanted to be.”

She felt more than heard Lexa’s own chuckle. “I’m not a softy.”

While they were in each other's arms, Clarke contemplated if she was fighting the inevitable. She definitely found irony in having closed herself off since Lexa, and naturally reopening herself up with Lexa.

She had been decisive in choosing not to get involved with the brunette, and yet found herself getting protective and upset on her behalf at the treatment of Anya.

Perhaps instead of fighting events she could just see where things go. Let it occur naturally. Clarke doubted she would be able to ignore her own longings for too long, and Lexa has made it clear where she stands.

Lexa for her part was both grateful and disappointed in Clarke’s shut down. She felt a personal hurt and rejection despite understanding the truth of the matter. The head and the heart rarely get along.

This wasn’t about her and Clarke anymore. There were also the kids to take into consideration. Lexa doubted that Madi would be too upset with anything occurring. After all her father had a wife who wasn’t her mother. There was no question in her mind that Anya would not be anywhere close to being as accepting, and she had no idea about Aden. Lexa wasn’t sure if his avoidance was due to Costia moving out or Anya’s new found instinct to initiate confrontation.

She wasn’t sure if Clarke was entirely being honest in claiming she wasn’t holding onto the past. The brunette believes Clarke is consciously trying to let go. But the subconscious is a powerful defense mechanism too.

She had seen the protectiveness when she picked Anya up after the girl screamed at her. She saw the sparkle in Clarke’s eyes as she defended her to the 7 year old. She had recognised the distinctive gleam of Clarke’s affection when Lexa had almost kissed her.

It gave the brunette hope, and something to look forward to, for herself. Clarke whether or not she was willing to accept it, wanted Lexa too. The problem was Lexa thought she was ready. Clarke wasn’t sure if she was ready. Anya definitely wasn’t ready, and Aden was a question mark. 

She repeated to herself a variation of the words she said earlier 

“Too much, too soon. Too much change in too little time.”

Clarke hummed her agreement but didn’t even twitch to move away.


	28. Jealousy

After breakfast the following morning, the girls were playing with Anya’s dolls, and everyone could hear the melody of Aden’s guitar playing coming from his room. Lexa had a cigarette lit in one hand, and a coffee in the other. Clarke made a face at the smell, but quickly hid it behind taking a sip of her own coffee. 

Placing her cup down Clarke observed Anya. It was hard to recognise the girl as the same girl from the day before having so much anger in her. 

“Lexa,” she said quietly “Have you considered play or art therapy for Anya maybe even for Aden?”

“Art therapy? Play therapy?” What good would those do in behavioural management and assisting her with emotional self-regulation?

“Yes, Lexa. Play therapy. Art therapy.” She looked at Lexa, only to find confusion written all over her face. “A safe space for them to do whatever in as a way to express themselves with an unbiased adult. They can be done in group or single sessions.”

Lexa had never heard of play therapy. “What is it exactly?”

Clarke took another sip of her coffee then answered “Play therapy is sort of like counselling for children. Except they don’t sit down and talk about their feelings and thoughts like we do as adults. The sessions are designed so that their emotions and thought processes are expressed through games and activities.”

Lexa rolled the idea over in her head. “You said single and group sessions?” 

Clarke hummed her affirmation. “Tell me to piss off if I’m being too nosey.”

“You’re not being nosey. Perhaps group sessions would encourage Aden to engage with other people. Maybe single sessions would be better for Anya. She seems to thrive on one on one interactions.” Lexa voiced her opinion.

Madi bounced over, resulting in Anya calling out to her to come back. Madi ignored her and stood in front of Lexa “You don’t look bad today. Do you feel better?”

The brunette put out her smoke and she lifted the girl onto her lap. “I do. Thank you for taking care of me yesterday. I feel much better now. You would make a good doctor one day.”

The mini blonde beamed with pride and she went back to Anya.

“Madi and I will have to get going soon. Bellamy wants to pick her up.” Clarke said looking down at her phone. “Apparently I’ve also been neglecting Raven and her partner Octavia this week. So they’ve invited themselves over tonight.”

“No rest for the wicked huh?” Lexa grinned.

Clarke curled her lip. “Wicked am I?”

Lexa gulped, and turned her attention back to the girls playing. “Never.”

“Madi, it’s time to go soon. Can you help pack up Anya’s toys?” Clarke called.

The mini Clarke pouted, “But I don’t wanna go!”

“Madi Griffin. Daddy is going to pick you up today. We can come and visit again.” Came the ‘ _ mum’ _ voice.

The girl pout fell and it was replaced with a mischievous grin “Ok mummy Griffin.”

Lexa snorted in amusement, oh these two were funny sometimes. 

Clarke turned to her with fake exasperation, her blue eyes twinkling with love. “See what I have to put up with. You’d think with all the genetic inheritance and that she spends 90% of her time with me. That she’d be more like me. But nooo. She has to take after daddy.”

“I heard that!” Called the 5 year old.

Clarke rolled her eyes fondly at Lexa “You were supposed to.”

“What’s genetic in-inheritance mean?” 

Lexa really did laugh, causing Clarke to laugh along with her.

The brunette wondered if she would ever hold such a close relationship with Aden and Anya that Clarke and Madi obviously shared. Lexa was slightly envious.

She was shaken from her introspection by the sound of Anya growling, her expression was one of displeasure as she looked between Lexa and Madi.

Perhaps Lexa wasn’t the only jealous one right now. 

Maybe it was a good thing Luna and Costia cancelled their visitation. Maybe it was a good thing despite Lexa’s own discomfort, that Clarke had to go. It would give Lexa an opportunity to try and have a bonding session with the kids. If they wanted to. It looked like Anya was already winding herself up.

Lexa jumped when Clarke’s hand covered hers. The blonde chuckled, and quietly said “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you from whatever you were overthinking. Just relax, kids are kind of like dogs. They smell what you’re feeling. Try and relax and she will too.”

Lexa’s mouth fell open. “What are you? A mind reader?”

Clarke snorted. “I wish. You’re not that hard to figure out. Your face practically screams what you’re thinking.”

“When did you get so serious and wise?” Lexa questioned fondly.

Although the question was asked fondly, it became obvious the question was not taken fondly as Clarke’s face became impassive.

“I volunteered at some reactionational youth programs a couple of years back.” She answered vaguely. Lexa knew there was more to it than that, but didn’t pry.

Clarke stood, calling Madi. “Time to say goodbye.” and to Lexa she said “Thank you for having us. It was nice.”

“Always.” Lexa responded with dual meaning.

Madi hugged Lexa’s legs. “Can I come over again?”

Lexa repeated herself. “Always.”

“See you later Aden!” Clarke called loudly to the boy. “And I’ll see you later little monster.” she said crouching beside Anya.

A grunt from the girl is the only reply she got as the younger brunette eyed Madi hugging Lexa.

When the two blondes left, Lexa requested for Aden to come out of his room, making sure she had each of the kids attention, she informed them “We’re going to do something together today. Anything you guys want.”

Aden shuffled his feet. Anya shouted “I want to play a game, or do some drawing!”

“What about you Aden?” Lexa questioned.

“I just want to play my guitar.” Came his quiet reply.

“How about this then, you can bring the guitar out here, and you can play different songs and we have to guess them. Kind of like the game charades?” She suggested.

The boy's eyes lit up and he nodded his head. He actually looked eager.

Turning to Anya she said “We can do a game involving drawing. We have to take turns drawing one line. They have to connect. We’re not allowed to talk about the drawing, and at the end we can see what comes out.”

Anya didn’t look as eager as Aden but nodded her agreement.

Pulling out a coin, Lexa asked “Anya, heads or tails.”

“Tails!” 

“Ok, Tails we do the drawing first, and if it’s heads we do musical charades first.” Lexa said.

And she flipped the coin.


	29. Children's Perspectives

Anya was bored and irritated. The drawing game wasn’t any fun. She didn’t even know what they were supposed to be drawing. There were no colours, and there was no colouring in. Anya was annoyed.

“This is boring.” She expressed. “It doesn’t look like anything.”

Lexa looked at her and the girl didn’t miss the jaw clenching signifying her Aunt’s own frustration. “You have to use your imagination Ahn.”

The nickname brought about a stronger wave of annoyance. She was angry with her Aunt. She wanted her mummy. Aunt Lexa was not her mum. 

“I don’t want to use my imagination. I just want to draw what I want.” She pouted.

Lexa handed Aden the pen. It was his turn to draw a line. “It looks sort of like a monster on TV.” He said. 

Lexa smiled at him. “Good job Aden. You’re right it does kind of look like a monster.”

Anya huffed. Aden thought just because he was bigger he knew everything. “Aden broke the rules, you said we’re not allowed to talk about what we’re drawing!”

Why did Aden have fun and was never in trouble? Why was Anya the  _ naughty _ child? She wasn’t naughty. Just angry. She wanted mummy to come back and hug her. Why was Aunty happy and making friends with Miss C?

Why did Miss C care so much about Aunty? Why did Aunty always say nice things to Aden and talk kindly to him? She only said mean things to her and tell her what to do. She wanted Aunty to be nice to her too. She wanted Aunty to love her the way she loved Aden and Miss C.

Anya didn’t know if she liked Miss C anymore. Miss C held her so she couldn’t move, and was nice to her even when she was angry. How can you be angry with someone who’s nice to you and asking why you’re angry. Anya wanted to be angry. Because when she was angry she didn’t feel unimportant.

When Anya was angry she wanted Aunty to be angry too. She wanted Aunty to understand what she felt and experience it with her. She wanted things to go back to how they were.

“We all broke the rules.” Came Auntys voice.

Anya felt angry again. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Aunty let out a breath so loud she heard it. She was getting upset, but her voice was soft when she said “Ok, why don’t we do musical charades then, since it’s Aden’s turn.”

Anya found it hard to breath normally. She felt so angry she was going to burst. Aden, always got what he wanted. She didn’t want to do the drawing game so it was still her turn!

“No!” She yelled.

Aden looked at his sister. He didn’t want to do musical charades anymore. He wanted to go back to his room. At least he wasn’t around angry people when he was in there, and Anya was getting mad.

He was sick of being around unhappy people. It made him feel tired. He didn’t like his sister. She made everyone else unhappy.

Standing up to go to his room, Aden rounded the corner when he heard Aunty call to him “Aden come back please.” He felt a frown on his face and turned back around. Looking at her he asked “Yes?”

Aunty’s eyes held a gentleness as she looked at him. He knew Aunty tried and she wasn’t upset with him. Aunty was really good at letting him and Anya know who she was upset with. Aden always tried to be good for Aunty. He cared about her.

“Go get your guitar please. Let’s play.” She said. Aden felt awkward and he was confused. He wanted to play. But he didn’t want to fight. Anya looked ready for a fight.

“It’s not fair!” His sister shouted. 

At least if he went to get his guitar he would be away from his sister for a little while. He went to do as he was asked. He could hear Anya stomp her feet and Aunty tell her “You didn’t want to do drawing anymore. Now it’s Aden’s turn. If you don’t want to play with us, then you can always go clean your room.”

He looked at the guitar again and read some of the writing. “You can’t make me” Anya’s voice floated into his room.  _ <3 you always. LW _ . 

“Make a choice now Ahn. But if you keep arguing that’s a day of no TV” Aunty’s voice threatened.  _ A drawing of eyes with some sort of face paint _ . 

“I hate you!” his sister's voice screamed. Followed by the sound of stomping and he heard his sisters bedroom door slam shut causing him to jump. He heard the sound of things being thrown around in her room, with each sound causing him to flinch.

If she was in her room it was safe to come out. He picked up the guitar and headed back out. He saw Aunty’s posture change from stiff to relaxed when she saw him. He gave her a timid smile. He liked that she wanted to do something with him, and she smiled back at him. It made him feel good.

Aunty pulled out a chair for him to sit on and he sat down. “Whenever you’re ready Aden.” She said.

Aden didn’t know what to play. He hadn’t thought about it. Maybe if he played songs he knew she’d like she’d forget she was upset with Anya?

He began to pluck the open strings for the introduction to Nothing Else Matters. He’s practiced this song so many times he could play it in his sleep. He saw a small smile form on her lips. When he got to the start of the first verse he felt proud as she smacked the table gently as a drum beat and started singing softly.

Aden couldn’t sing and play at the same time. Doing the two things at once confused him. But he let his Aunt’s voice soothe him as he continued to play. 

He was happy.


	30. Relationship Problems

“You’ve seem more upbeat today Clarke.” Niylah observed.

Raven smirked, “Yeah, what’s up with that? You totally ghosted us in the last couple of weeks and when you come back you’re a new person. Did you finally get laid?”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Nope.”

Octavia laughed, “Puh-leese. As if Clarkey here would get laid. She’s probably forgotten how.”

Clarke watched as a waitress who wore a hairnet with her back to them leaned over wiping down a table and the chairs down.

Raven’s eyes widened, and darted between the blue eyed blonde and Niylah. “You mean to say you and Niylah never-”

“-Shut up Raven.” Niylah cut her off with a laugh.

They all had decided to have a brunch date at a cafe. While Clarke loved Raven and Octavia they weren’t particularly the type of friends she preferred to open up to and talk about more serious matters. Niylah on the other hand was a different story and even that was limited.

Octavia leaned over the table towards Clarke and in a hushed voice asked. “So what’s Bob look like?”

“Bob?” The other trio girls asked simultaneously.

“No, BOB. Battery Operated Boyfriend!” She replied scandalised, as if they should have realised what she was talking about.

Clarke remained confused. Niylah and Raven caught on quickly and let out a couple of sniggers of their own.

“Jeez, Clarkey. Have you really turned into the Virgin Mary?! What’s your dildo look like?!” Raven asked loudly. 

The same waitress’ shoulders started to shake in laughter, obviously she was listening into the conversation. Not that her friends were being very private Clarke supposed.

Clarke looked around and saw that Raven’s volume had caught the attention of other customers. Turning beet red, she leaned forward and allowed her forehead to smack the table. “Fuck you guys. I need to find new friends.” Came her muffled response causing the group to cackle at her.

Octavia’s phone dinged and she looked at it, her eyes flashed with mischief. “Speaking of fucking, I have somewhere to go.” She said as a way of goodbye. 

Raven’s eyes followed her out the door and a dark look passed across her face. “I’m going to head out too.” She informed them. 

The brunette stood up, but Clarke reached across the table and held Raven’s hand, her blue eyes offering support. But Raven shook her head and walked away.

“Sometimes I don’t know whether I want to knock Octavia upside the head or not..” Clarke said softly.

“Raven knew what she was getting into. All we can do is be there and support her when she needs us.” Niylah replied with sympathy. “Speaking of which, what about what you’ve been getting into?”

Clarke met Niylah’s eyes. “What?”

“Don’t what me Clarke. What’s going on with you and Lexa?” She asked.

Clarke turned her gaze to the window, watching the passer bys. “She has a lot on her plate right now.” It wasn’t really a reply to the question. It was a deflection.

“You don’t have to tell me. I only wanted to see if you were ok. We went from seeing each other every day to not hearing from you, and I miss spending time with you and Madi.” Niylah said in her usual gentle way.

“I don’t know what’s happening between us.” Clarke wasn’t one to lie. Maybe sometimes by omission but she never lied directly. “She forced her sister and Costia to sign the kids over to her. So some of her issues have settled down. But that’s only caused other problems for her. The youngest kid isn’t handling it well. I suggested play therapy but I don’t know if Lexa’s going to look into it.”

“And what about you two?”

“What about us two?” Clarke countered.

“Sorry, if you don’t want to talk about it we don’t have to.” Niylah said.

“I know. I just don’t know the answer to that. I’m honestly not angry or hurt anymore when I think about her. I’ve come to accept what’s happened.” Clarke struggled to articulate her thoughts surrounding the green eyed brunette.

Niylah waited to see if Clarke would continue, and when she didn’t Niylah prompted “But?”

The blonde bit her lip. “But I don’t know. She wants to pick up where we left off. But she’s different. She’s the same but also she’s different. Not bad different. Just unfamiliar. But she still has all the traits and behaviours that made me care about her to begin with..”

“Having kids definitely changes people.” Niylah said understandingly, but no longer only referring to Lexa.

“I’m just trying to be her friend and help her.”

Niylah stood up and stretched before picking her handbag up. She looked a Clarke for a while and said “You know, it’s hard to have a relationship with anyone if you keep them at arms length.”

“We’re not in a relationship!” The blonde snapped.

Niylah took it with a grain of salt. Knowing that she was getting rather personal with the blonde. “I wasn’t talking about a romantic relationship, although it certainly applies. I was referring to any relationship. There has to be a level of trust on both sides. If you want to have a friendship or more with her or with anyone then you have to learn to trust again. Otherwise you’ll only end up with acquaintances.” She said gently, placing a hand on Clarke’s shoulder before walking out the door herself.

Clarke continued to stare out the window. She was irritated by Niylah’s words. They were confronting. Clarke Griffin did not want to confront her emotions. She felt an overpowering wave of self loathing. She quite happily accepted the genuine concern of others around her, and she trusted in how they felt about her, and she in turn gave with her actions while muting her own feelings towards them. Niylah’s words stung.

She wanted to be better for others. Perhaps just going through the motions wasn’t enough. She didn’t know how to change her mindset.

Clarke was startled back to reality by the sound of a cup of coffee being placed on her table. A chill ran through her as an all too familiar voice said “On the house. You look like you need it."

Clarke turned to face the waitress. She hadn’t recognised Lexa because of the hairnet and uniform.


	31. Decisions

Lexa would almost be amused at Clarke’s expression that just screamed ‘Oh shit.’, if it weren’t for the conversation that took place beforehand. She gave a placating smile and gestured to a chair. “Do you mind?” She asked. “My shift just finished.” Still not replying verbally Clarke nodded.

“So..” She started, and she removed her hairnet. It made her head itchy. “Interesting friends you have.”

Clarke wouldn’t meet her eyes, and nodded again. Lexa decided to try and approach her with humour. “So what  _ does _ BOB look like?”

The brunette took great pleasure in the sudden crimson the blonde coloured to. “Shut up Lexa.”

Lexa let out a chuckle. This really was highly amusing. Back in their college days Clarke had the filthiest mouth in the bedroom and no shame turning anything into a sexual innuendo privately or otherwise. Now here she is blushing like a little school girl.

She took pity on the blonde, saying nothing and waited until she returned to normal colour. Hesitantly but still refusing to make eye contact Clarke asked “How much did you hear?”

Lexa bit her lip. She had been very aware of when Clarke and her friends entered her workplace, and the group hadn’t been very quiet. Lexa had heard everything. Lexa wasn’t even sure why Clarke appeared to be self-conscious about it. Nothing that was said seriously wasn’t anything she didn’t already know. But the blonde acted as if she had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

“Does it matter?” She countered softly, not wanting to make Clarke feel edgier then she obviously felt.

She watched the blonde battle with something internally. She placed her hand on the table palm up. Waiting to see Clarke’s next move. Blue eyes looked at her hand unseeing, and Lexa could pinpoint the moment clarity returned to her. 

Clarke placed her hand on Lexa’s. “No, I guess it doesn’t..” Came the hesitant reply. Lexa gave her hand a light squeeze for comfort. Lexa had understood what the blonde meant by saying Lexa was different, but the same. Lexa herself has consistently battled with all of Clarke’s own changes too. But over the last week or so, she realised Clarke was the same in so many ways. Her core traits were the same even if she had an abundance of behavioural changes.

Lexa made a decision. She stood up, gently tugging on Clarke’s hand to follow her. She led Clarke through the door. She saw no sign of Clarke’s car and guided the blonde to her own. Confusion was written in her features.

“Do you have anywhere you need to be today?” Lexa asked, and in her peripheral vision she noted Clarke’s shake of her head. “Not until Madi needs to be picked up from school.”

Lexa started the car with a destination in mind. “Do you think one of your friends would mind picking up the kids and watching them this afternoon?” Clarke fiddled with her phone and as Lexa continued to drive Clarke said, “Raven said she would. She welcomes the distraction.”

Lexa stopped at her house, and ignored the questioning look that Clarke sent her when she came back with the guitar that the blonde lent to Aden. She then stopped at Clarke’s place and requested she grab one of her spare guitars. She could see the other woman was full of questions.

She drove for 10minutes or so before pulling up to a very tall building. Handing Clarke one of the guitars she got the other, and led Clarke to the elevator to the top floor, and climbed a staircase to the roof.

Lexa sat down on a metal air conditioner duct, and indicated a spot for Clarke to take a seat. Bending over she unzipped Aden’s guitar case and pulled out the guitar. The blonde raised an eyebrow. “You play now?”

Lexa chuckled. “I do.”

Clarke’s eyes lit up with enthusiasm. “Show me!” She demanded.

She put the guitar into position, and leaning over the body of it so she could see she plucked a string. It twanged. Lexa cringed at the sound. It meant she wasn’t holding the string down hard enough. She tried again. 

Lexa played the most horrible rendition of Wipe Out she had ever heard. Lot’s of twanging notes, and no rhythm. When she had finished, she looked up at Clarke. The blonde was trying to hide her laughter behind biting her lip. The blonde was failing miserably.

Lexa let out a lazy self satisfied grin. “Maybe, saying I can play was over exaggerating slightly.”

Clarke’s laughter escaped her, and she snorted. Causing her to laugh even harder. 

“Hey! It took Aden half an hour every day for the last week to teach me that!” Lexa declared with mock indignation.

When Clarke’s laughter died down, Lexa shared “That’s what Aden and I do. You know, one on one bonding.. He shows me how to play. It was his idea. It makes him feel proud that he can show me something that he knows how to do that I can’t.”

“He hadn’t mentioned that to me at tutoring. If he had I would have let him know he was setting himself up for failure.” Clarke teased, then she questioned “And how’s Anya doing?”

“She’s doing a bit better. She’s so indecisive with what she wants. She’s had a couple of off days. But she seems to be calming down with this one on one time thing we’re trying. That girl never knows what she wants to do. Some days it’s drawing, other days it’s watching some type of Disney movie.” 

Clarke hummed in thought. “Sounds like the issue is with her that she was insecure with her place in the family. Or maybe how other people in the family feels about her.”

Lexa nodded, but said nothing more on the topic. She didn’t bring Clarke here to talk about her or the kids. Clarke had looked lost and bothered after Niylah had left. Lexa wanted to make her feel better.

The brunette nodded her head to the guitar that Clarke had carried up. “Maybe you can teach me, I hear you’re quite the tutor.” 

The blonde stood up, walking over to Lexa, and placed her hand on the curve of Lexa’s back, applying pressure. Lexa straightened up. Then she lifted Lexa’s arm, placing her elbow on the top of the body, so it wasn’t hanging over the body like before. Then placed her thumb on low E. Clarke finally walked to the left of Lexa, and tilted her wrist so that Lexa’s thumb was straight on the back of the neck, rather than curved over it like she was gripping it.

“Clarke, now I can’t see!” Lexa whined. This was an old conversation. Clarke had attempted to teach Lexa back then, and failed miserably. Blue eyes crinkled in amusement. Clarke knew exactly what Lexa was up to.

Without a thought Clarke came behind Lexa and kneeled. Her front pressed against the brunettes back. Resting her chin on Lexa’s shoulder. Just like before, Lexa habitually removed her left hand from the neck of the guitar to allow Clarke’s hand to replace hers. Lexa’s right hand strummed the strings.

They co-played like this for a while until Clarke shifted a bit. Her knees were getting uncomfortable, causing her nose to bump into Lexa’s shoulder. The brunette could feel Clarke breathe her in and smell her and she shuddered in response. 

“Lex..” Clarke murmured. Lexa turned her head the best she could to face Clarke. She could see the conflict in her eyes. Her heart pounding loudly in her chest. She could feel Clarke’s heart beating just as fast. Lexa closed her eyes and waited to see what Clarke would do.

After what seemed like an eternity for her. Lexa felt hesitant lips press against her own, and back off. Before molding themselves to hers more firmly. Lexa let out a hum of appreciation.

Lexa thought about the words Niylah had said to Clarke before she exited the cafe. She prayed that this meant Clarke was at least giving Lexa a chance to earn her trust.

Lexa parted her mouth to deepen the kiss, and Clarke sucked on her bottom lip. She hoped that the blonde was sure of this because Lexa wasn’t sure how many times she would be able to take Clarke’s rejection.

Because kissing Clarke again after so long was like coming home.


	32. Hints of What's to Come

When Clarke pulled away, Lexa slowly opened her eyes, and the affection mixed with vulnerability shining in Clarke’s sky blue eyes was breathtaking. A special closed lipped smile painted her face. 

Lexa knew she should say something, but she didn’t want to ruin the moment. She felt a sliver of fear behind her happiness. Didn’t Clarke indicate this was the wrong time? As if reading her mind. The blonde’s husky voice said “Let’s not put a label on this.. Maybe we should just take it as it comes?”

Lexa stood the guitar so it leaned against the air duct and turned around to face Clarke. She searched her blue eyes looking for any sign of regret or uncertainty. All she found in those depths were determination and fondness.

“Yes.” Lexa breathed, “I don’t think advertising this to Anya in particular would be very wise. We should take things pretty slow around her.” Clarke’s eyes were soft, as she replied “Of course.”

The brunette placed her hands on Clarke’s waist, and pulled the blonde towards her, indicating she should sit on her lap. The sun was setting, beautiful hues of colours painted the sky. But Lexa didn’t see. She couldn’t couldn’t take anything in except the shining yellow hair in her face and the scent that was purely Clarke drifting to her nose.

“Costia cancelled her visitation with the kids for tomorrow, but she confirmed for Sunday.” She informed Clarke. “Saturday afternoons are Luna’s AA meetings, and Cos with her to support her. Apparently Luna hasn’t had a drop to drink for eight days now, and she’s easing up on the weed.”

Clarke sunk back further into the brunette, “Is Costia telling you this, or Luna?” she questioned.

Lexa stiffened. “Costia. Clarke, you know there’s nothing between us right? There never was. The only times we speak now are when we’re talking about the kids' visitations.”

The blonde sighed and she shifted in Lexa’s lap. “I didn’t mean it like that. I only asked because I wanted to see if you and Luna are getting along better or not.. You haven’t mentioned talking to her since you said she punched you.”

It was Lexa’s turn to breathe deeply. “I’m sorry.”

Whatever the blonde was going to say in response was interrupted by the ding of her phone. Looking at its screen Clarke said “We’ve been away for too long. Raven’s going a bit stir crazy with Madi, and you should probably go pick up your kids from wherever they are..?” The implied question ‘ _ Where are your two?’ _ was not lost on Lexa. She refused to acknowledge the implication. It would only upset Clarke if she told her she signed them up to the school’s after school care program since she had offered to babysit.

“I probably should, would you like a lift to your place or Ravens?” She asked.

“Mine, Raven is going to stay for a bit when she drops off Madi. What’s on your agenda for tomorrow?” Clarke asked as they made their way to Lexa’s car.

“I don’t know. But Anya’s pretty high maintenance if I want to avoid her temper tantrums. She gets super jealous when I spend time with anyone but her.” The brunette informed her.

Clarke chuckled to herself, picturing the little girl in one of her indignant moods. “Well we’ve got nothing planned until Bell picks Madi up.” She opened the passenger door sitting in the car seat and continued in a sing-song voice, “Then I’ll be all alone. There’ll be no one here beside me.”

“Did you just sing that song from Shrek?” Lexa’s eyebrow was arched.

Clarke’s lips quirked to the side. “Lexa is like an ogre. Ogres are like onions. They have layers.” 

Lexa sighed with affectionate exasperation and started up the car, placing her hand on Clarke’s leg. “You watch way too many kids movies with Madi.”

Clarke chuckled, “Are you offering to watch some adult movies with me?”

Lexa served the car slightly, causing Clarke to laugh freely. “Payback’s a bitch for asking about non-existent BOB.” The brunette flushed but didn’t dignify herself with a response.

When they pulled up to Clarke’s place. The blonde kissed the side of Lexa’s mouth. “Thank you for today. It was a pleasant spontaneous time. But please don’t pick up an instrument again”

“Always.” The green eyed woman said with a lazy smile. “I’ll see you soon Clarke.”

The blonde smiled back and before she shut the passenger door she mimicked Lexa, “Always.”

When Lexa drove off, Clarke made her way to the front door. She had thought she felt so much better when she let go of her resentment towards the other woman. But after today… There wasn’t a correct word to describe how she felt. Ecstatic? Blissful? Fulfilled? None of them seemed accurate to the emotion that was coursing through her.

“Hey Blondie,” Raven’s voice rang out. “The door only works if you open it and then step through it. It doesn't open itself.” It was Clarke’s turn to flush.

“You seem to be feeling better.” Clarke observed as she stepped inside.

Raven let out an airy dismissive wave “Yeah, well. What can I say. As long as she comes home to me, it shouldn’t matter.”

Clearly she didn’t want to talk about it, so Clarke accepted it. “How was Madi?”

“Well fed, well and truly tired out. I took her to that trampoline place. She’s out like a light.” She said, beginning to put on her signature red jacket. “So what was up with you? I saw that smooch in the car.”

The blonde smiled to herself as she thought about her afternoon. “I had a date.”

A hand came to rest on her forehead. “Are you sick? You don’t have a fever. The apocalypse hasn’t happened yet.”

Clarke batted Raven’s hand away. “It was with Lexa.”

Raven’s eyebrows furrowed. “Who the hell is Lexa? You moved on awfully quick from Niylah.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Speaking of partners. Don’t you have one you’re going home to?”

“Yep! Right now! Bye bitch!” And Raven was out the door.


End file.
